adventures in blunderland

On my mind

2009-07-09T05:31:00.001-07:00

"I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say,
'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.'

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall!
My soul continually remembers is and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.'
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him."

Lamentations 3:17-25

My heart and mind remain deeply grieved. I feel cut off from hope, but I want to hold on to God, or rather, I ask Him to hold on to me through this pain that does not end. I am compelled to keep walking in His ways. What else could I do? Still everything inside is shattered and I have smelled death of all that blossomed last year and seen fires burning up what once was good and blessed in my life.

This is not the life I wanted to live, but it is the one I have been granted and I believe that He will enable me to use it purposefully.

I cannot begin to imagine what could be on the other side of this anguish, but I pray that I will faithfully endure...whatever it takes...and that one day my barren soul would be restored in some sense, though I know not how.

Divided and quartered

2009-04-29T04:54:00.000-07:00

Lately, it seems that I'm trying to operate on several levels and that I'm divided between different directions. It's been a challenge to keep up with the things that have been entrusted to my care. Although I have been able to do it, I still feel wiped out much of the time. It looks as though the summer will be like that, too, only that the specifics of what I'm working on will change.

I'm hopeful that I won't take on more than I can successfully complete, but I'm not entirely sure that I can know what all I will be able to maintain simultaneously. For better or for worse, I haven't done much to relax or enjoy time in several months and don't imagine that there will really be time for that anyway. You see, relaxing and having fun actually takes a certain kind of effort and energy that I don't have and so somehow I can work and work and by God's grace alone, be renewed, but I can't apply myself to just being and I know that if I sat down to do one of the things that usually brings me gladness that right now it would feel lifeless and empty because I'm sad and when I am as sad as I am, there isn't room for happiness to really take hold or sink in.

Okay...more thoughts on the mind & body

2009-04-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

Whoa...can I just say that last week was very full?

I'm sorry I did not post...but I'll try to get a few in this week.

Alright, so I was particularly engaged with this concept of people having a part of the brain that corresponds with our free will. It is at this juncture as thoughts are passing through that we have the opportunity to accept or reject the information. I suppose thus far I have imagined that free will is largely spiritual and so I was fascinated at the idea that God would provide physical aspects of our brain that aid us in this function. :)

Since there is a relationship between the brain and the heart, this explains why we can sometimes make decisions that we can be confident about and other times we are thrown into confusion.

When we are submitting our free will to God and living a life that is sensitive to Him, our brain and heart are more in line with one another and we are more inclined to make sound decisions (this cuts back on stress, friends!).

However, conversely, if we begin to take a few steps away from God, our brain and heart are more susceptible to falling out of line with one another. Result? Confusion and unsettled feelings and thoughts that can even make us feel sick, troubled, depressed...you name it.

Dr. Leaf also indicated in her series that attitude, hope, and free will are closely interwoven. Ouch, ladies. Attitude? You mean we are responsible for it and we need to keep it under control? Yikes! I think I'd better go sit down... ;) Anyway, she said that there are some steps we can take to work on this: be aware of your attitude as thoughts are coming through your mind, choose not to react to your first emotion, and control your thoughts. Wow...here we go again, right? Taking thoughts captive to Christ is not always easy.

In my life, I might have victory in some areas (i.e. the devil doesn't have as much of a hold on me in my thoughts about my body/self image as he used to), and in other areas there is progress (i.e. i mess something up in the kitchen and as i enter into the condemning thoughts about how i can't do anything right, i'm irresponsible, i could never manage my own household, and this is why i don't have a husband and kids...God can't entrust those things to me...then I have to stop somewhere in the litany and tell myself what is true about God, His character, and what He thinks about me as His daughter). Still other aspects of my thought life are in an even further state of disarray...and on those fronts, I lose the battle often, but at least God forgives me, corrects me, instructs me, and I get back into the fight.

Perfect peace

2009-04-09T06:14:00.000-07:00

Laura Story's song 'Perfect peace' has really caught my attention in the last few days... here are the lyrics:

stay close by my side
keep your eyes on me
though this life is hard
i will give you perfect peace

in this time of trial
pain that no one sees
trust me when i say
i will give you perfect peace

and you'll never walk alone
and you'll never be in need
though i may not calm the storms around you
you can hide in me
burdens that you bear
offer no relief
let me bear your load
cause i will give you perfect peace
stay close by my side
and you'll never walk alone
keep your eyes on me
and you will never be in need
though this life is hard
know that i will always give you perfect peace
i will give you perfect peace

Thinking affects our living

2009-04-09T04:49:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine loaned me a DVD series called 'Your Body, His Temple." The series is about the relationship between what happens in our brains when we go through the process of thinking and how this impacts our physical health.

Here are a few tidbits I found helpful:

Based on how we process the information we receive (how we feel about it/our attitude), we will either react with a response of fear or faith.

The good news is that free will gives us the option of accepting or rejecting the information coming in through our senses. So, if it's no good, we can reject it.

This comes as no surprise, but messages that are coming from the heart will affect our behavior. Unfortunately, when we become overly stressed, confusion happens in the mind and heart, making it more difficult for us to make good choices. As stress takes over, we can't hear our hearts since they become blocked by stress chemicals.

Small spurts of stress are a normal, healthy part of our functioning because they help us to be alert and activate our body's systems to prepare to respond. The trouble comes when we remain in this state of stress too long and our body releases too many chemicals which erode the healthy, protective system our body's usually operate under.

I have to go, but I'll post more on this next week. (I took notes...)
Happy Easter!

Digging up the dirt

2009-04-08T04:21:00.000-07:00

For many months now, the place where I work has been under construction and for the majority of that time, to the untrained eye, it just looks like they are moving around bigger and bigger piles of dirt. Only recently have I seen traces of an actual structure being put up. Now that I can actually see something, I find myself reflecting on how much my spiritual life parallels that construction site for the new building. It may take a long time of preparation where God appears to be shifting large piles of dirt in my life. From the outside looking in, I've no idea what exactly He plans to do with all of that dirt! It looks slow and messy and He keeps stretching out the territory of the construction site. But, eventually, there will be a foundation laid and beams put up...He will fill in all the things that I cannot see and build up where places have been torn down. Oh Lord, that you might sustain me in the meantime, that my faith would not fail when day after day and month after month, all I can see is that you are digging up the dirt.

Significance of Jeremiah

2009-04-07T04:49:00.000-07:00

I've been reading and working in Jeremiah last week and this week in preparation for my bible study lesson a few weeks from now. Our book covers the oft-quoted 'Jeremiah 29:11' and much to my chagrin, it seemed that this was the book I should teach from...even though I'm not a big fan of this verse being thrown around.

So, as the time has come to work through it, I am reading the book of Jeremiah and seeing what some good commentaries have to say about the history of the book, the character of Jeremiah, the themes that he addresses, the attitudes of the people of Judah, and how all these things shed light on the significance of Jeremiah 29.

Now, I can actually say that I am glad to lead this lesson because we will discuss all these things before we approach the promise in Jeremiah 29:11. As some have said before, if all we ever focus on is the good news, without really understanding the bad news, the good news doesn't seem quite as good to us after awhile. We get used to it and we can take it for granted.

Jeremiah's call to the ministry of prophecy comes with telling God's people a lot of bad news. It is out of the stark contrast of all that they are facing and have yet to suffer as judgment that Jeremiah brings a word of encouragement...God has not forgotten His promises to them. Repentance must come first, but if God's people will turn to Him, restoration will come. God has not delayed or fallen back on His promises. He will surely bring hope and healing to His people. The difficult pruning they were facing was not the end of the story, but it was necessary to bring about a proper harvest.

Make way for the King

2009-04-06T04:34:00.000-07:00

Lately when I look at my life, on a good day I think that perhaps all these things that are going on position me to meet the Lord in a way I haven't encountered Him before. I'm approaching a place where I can't do much out of my own strength and I have great need of Him. Even though I continue to find myself inclined to believe things that are less than what is true, lovely, noble, and excellent, I also sense this increasing longing to be filled and an expectation that God will provide something in response to that hunger.

While I wait...

2009-04-01T04:26:00.000-07:00

It should not cease to surprise me how God draws near to us in our hard times. Over the last week or so, I've ran into a few friends who I haven't seen in awhile and each of them have made some positive comment about my appearance.

Since you can't see me to do a before and after, I will explain. About a month ago, I felt prompted to do something I almost never do...buy makeup. Furthermore, I actually went to a beauty store (Ulta) and bought makeup with no cares concerning the price. I've seen mineral makeup advertised recently and had read some customer comments that it works well for rosacea patients.

So, I've been wearing makeup and people who have known me for years know that I don't usually wear makeup, nor do I wear very much when I do. As you know, I've been pretty downcast lately and I had been looking it day after day, and then month after month. Even I was tired of looking in the mirror and seeing visually what I know I'm feeling inside.

It isn't that I think it changes much, because I still know that I'm in repair. Yet, I thought it might do a little good to try to look presentable. I wasn't too confident that my makeup experiment would turn out well since I'm not skilled with makeup and I have some sensitive skin problems. So far, so good, though. Thankfully, the makeup comes with instructions...heh, heh...that just makes me laugh because when I went out to get some, I thought to myself, okay, I just wish someone would show me what to do with it once I have it, but it's embarrassing to be 28 and need someone to tell me what to do...

Well, now that I've explained the change in appearance, I can return to my introductory comment. I think God knows that as a single woman, there are seasons I can really benefit from some encouragement about how I look. Frankly, it is an ongoing battle inwardly to not subtly begin to believe that I'm unmarried because I'm really plain and just not of a pleasing countenance.

Year after year, it resurfaces and if I'm not feeling 'unpretty,' then it is the laundry list of character qualities I have or don't have that point to the reason I'm alone. When these times get particularly tough, God usually brings someone along to lift me up and set me straight...at least about what God thinks of me. In His eyes, I'm a daughter of the King...and that does make me beautiful for Him. As the years go on, I do concern myself less with what other people think of me, but I have a long way yet to go and for better or worse, I still wish I had the affirmation and love of an earthly husband.

On that point, God seems to be teaching me again that I must find my satisfaction and sustenance in Him alone. Although God and I have been over this before (many times) and I think there has been progress over the years and even contentment, He seems to be moving me towards a level of spiritual maturity on it that I wish I didn't need to develop.

I've been listening to a MP3 series on Psalm 131 and being calmed and quieted in my soul before God. I can see that He is doing that work in me, but the image David gives is of an infant being weaned. It is so accurate to use that description because of the struggle and confusion that baby faces when it does not understand why the mother takes away what it is so sure that it needs for life.

Being loved by a good man who would gladly marry me is that one, secret, quiet, elusive desire of my heart that I long for very much and simultaneously suspect that I'll never get it. It's a broken place deep within me that I can't fix on my own and I mourn over it. But God is with me and He wants to help me to learn to have a quiet, calm heart before Him and to be completely satisfied in Him. I don't understand His ways or the things He's allowed in my life, but I do want to believe Him anyway.

Where does your hope come from?

2009-03-31T04:30:00.000-07:00

I was reflecting this morning on the challenge that I have faced to relinquish my desire to have a plan for my life. I want to have something to work towards that I can see and that seems good to me. It has been over the course of many years now that more and more, God intercedes and obstructs my plans. Eventually, on one issue after another, I come to the point of acknowledging that God knows what He's doing and I don't.

In this season, I am confronted by the whole notion of having plans. As I mentioned a few posts ago, this new season is marked by not having plans. I get up and I do the next thing and the next and so on. Even for things that I committed to, I have not had a sense that I could know with certainty that I would be able to complete the tasks before me. I have experienced such moments of anguish and exhaustion that I have really just had to deal with today. Period.

From what little I can understand, it seems that God would have me to recognize that I have often placed my hope in my plans instead of in Him. So, it follows that I struggle with restlessness when time and again, plans fall through. There is tension in trying to move towards things that we think perhaps the Lord would have for us while simultaneously leaving room for God to change our course and shut the doors we'd rather have left open.

These things are all related...that my plans have failed time and again, that many doors have closed over the years, that I discover who I am becoming sometimes shuts even more doors still, and that as my dreams shatter, this time, I don't see much point in forming another plan.

That's why I took down my goals/aspirations section on my blog. Everything in me is under construction. I don't know what will surface at the end of this intense remodeling.

I was reminded of these verses about the Lord's role in our plans:

"The fear of the Lord is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes before honor. The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord...Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established...The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 15:33,16:1,3,9

During a time in my life that almost seems to stand still, I am looking to Him for direction on a level I hadn't before. I don't want to live a life of futility, chasing after plans that seem like a good idea to me. It is a painful process because I don't know which dreams might be resurrected some day off in the distance and which ones are gone forever if I am to be in humble service of the King.

Defining who you are

2009-03-26T04:43:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend while I was out running errands, I saw a young woman dressed in a manner that proclaimed "Define me by my body."

As women, we are often tempted to react to other women like that...whether it is to judge them or to compare our bodies to theirs and feel disappointed with what God has lovingly made.

In this instance, I felt sad for her because as God draws me 'further up and further in' to His Word, I know that my physical body is fading, fleeting. If I define myself by my body, there will always be a reason to fall short of what the world claims is beautiful and perfect. She is running after something that can never fully satisfy.

So, it got me thinking. I wonder when people see me, what message I am proclaiming? Further, what message is it that I would hope to proclaim? What life message has God entrusted to me?

At this point, I have more questions about that than I do answers, but I am learning to live in the land of questions and trust that God is moving in that place.

Pressing past the whys of our circumstances

2009-03-23T04:30:00.000-07:00

So much has happened around me in these last several months that would logically propel me to ask why, but because of the volume and magnitude of these things, I know that God wants me to move beyond questioning Him.

Today, I'm not going to understand why there has been such trouble and affliction or why there is still more to come. Instead, I am humbled by the ways that God has protected me and preserved me through these things.

I'm not going to shake my fist at Him in my heart and point out the efforts I've made to be a worthy woman. Hardship comes to us all; it is part of living in a fallen world and part of sharing in Christ's sufferings so that we can one day also share in His glory.

I'm not going to plead with Him to spare my dreams. Somehow, I believe that He must slay them in order to do the work in my life that He desires to accomplish.

Perhaps now in the deepest valley since my relationship with the Lord truly began, I can learn what it is to live out the phrase 'the righteous shall live by his faith.'

This woman up until this point, still largely lives by sight. That's why I slump into such dreadful doubting. I don't see change on the horizon. Sometimes I see nothing and sometimes I see more of the same and still other times, I see more trials ahead.

However, I am now pressed into a set of circumstances so difficult that I have one choice to keep making day in and day out: will I walk in Him when I don't 'see' anything good or will I walk away?

I suppose that decision is easier for me to make for one reason: I already know what my life is like when I walk away because I lived there in high school and the early part of college. I know what it is like to wake up day after day with no hope for this life and none for anything beyond it. There is nothing worth 'going back' to.

While God is my Lord and Savior, I can be granted a measure of faith and strength for each day, even if the circumstances themselves look the same to me as they would be apart from Him. It is He who makes all the difference.

Breaking down & building up

2009-03-19T04:13:00.000-07:00

These few months have been a time where I've moved from a place of asking 'why' and trying to hold onto things that I dearly wish the Lord had preserved in my life to a place where I am increasingly slowing down and quieting down before Him.

It occurred to me recently that in the fall, I felt God tilling the soil of my soul and it hurt. I knew that difficulty was on the way, but I didn't know how painful and how swiftly it would come. Since then, I have cried more than I remember ever crying and I really don't like crying. It usually feels very uncomfortable because of the weakness in myself I associate with crying. Still, I think those tears water the soil that God has been breaking up.

There have been so many times I've wanted to flee from myself, but I can't escape. Sometimes I wish I could cry out to someone, but the things on my heart are too intimate to tell anybody. I haven't spent much time with people the last several weeks and on some level, it eases the tension of feeling that I need to put on a good presentation for people because sometimes that's what people want to see. I'm not interested in faking it and it would require considerable effort that I don't have to lend to that. So, although there is loneliness in being apart from people, there is the simplicity of not struggling to be what I think they want me to be...which is fixed and happy. One day, I will be healed and I pray I will come out of this joyfully, but that time is not yet and it isn't a process I can hurry along to save face.

This has been for me a low place. Although I have done some writing with Bible study, I have done almost no writing about what I'm going through. It is unspeakable. There aren't adequate words or descriptions to put to dreams that are broken wide open. Frankly, some of the images I get of how it feels would be disturbing to share and so God keeps me company in those thoughts and I don't tell other people.

I don't think much about the future anymore and that usually occupied a good portion of my thoughts before. I tended to plan things and then live somewhat accordingly. I'm not planning now. I live day to day because that is what I can do with the strength and sustenance I have been given. I don't want to run ahead of God, showing Him all my ideas about what I hope we could do with my life. I'm too tired, not only emotionally and physically, but also with the ups and downs of having ideas and wanting them to happen and being deeply disappointed when they don't.

I'm attempting to wait on Him for the ideas He has and the instruct He provides to work through those things step by step.

I am living out what it means to be sealed with the Spirit and under the protection of the Lord because truly, if that was not available to believers in dark times, there would be no telling what trouble and havoc could be unleashed in their lives. The devil lurks at my door and pokes at me with the lies he knows will work, but I am not afraid that this time will pull me out of the assurance that I am God's and He is mine. That which the devil would like to destroy me will be used by God to strengthen my faith and my hope in God alone. Some days that are particularly tough, I tell the devil that he might be getting me down and out today, but he's not going to get this soul of mine.

As much as we plead for God's patience with us, we sometimes find ourselves flustered when God displays his long-suffering qualities. We wonder why things we've prayed for and worked towards completely fall apart or that God says 'wait' and that wait lasts months and then years and sometimes beyond. No matter how much struggle there is in this life, the devil will be crushed. God is still sovereign over everything that comes our way. I look forward to the day when the coming One will come and though it seems slow, God will not delay it.

Online absence

2008-12-30T09:34:00.000-08:00

Thanks to those of you who periodically read my blog. I hope that it has encouraged you and pointed to back to our Lord and Savior. I'm sorry I haven't posted this month.

I regret to say that I do not expect to be posting for some time now. I sense God knocking about my house as C. S. Lewis would say, clanging and rearranging and tearing up old things to create a place in me that is according to His blueprints. Although I'm glad for His nearness to me and His unmistakable hand in my life at present, in all honesty, it is deeply painful and personal. I'm not at a good place to share that with you regularly as I have been over the course of this year.

If you happen to think of me from time to time, please pray that I will daily turn myself over to Him and submit to His master plan, whatever it takes and also for those closest to me as I know they are/will be affected by this process.

More specifically, it has come to my attention in a way that I cannot get around that many things that were a part of my 'world' must cease for a time so that I can let God do the work in me that will enable me to learn how to stop responding to life in worry, fear, anxiety, and doubt. I want to me wholly devoted to Him, but this tendency to worry is now a barrier so big, so tall, and so wide, I cannot proceed without undergoing the spiritual surgery of the heart that only God can do. In the meantime, much is unresolved and broken in my heart and so I don't believe I'm in a position to offer you the faith, hope, and love that I want to through my posts.

God's grace to you! Remember you are His beloved daughters...and live like you know it with all that you are!

Time is in His hands

2008-12-02T04:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my study in Esther was addressing Haman's plot to destroy the Jews. It's so troubling to read and reflect on Haman's heart and to recognize that humans are bent towards that kind of evil. In the midst of this plan, Beth Moore reminds us that God was there all along. Nothing that was said or done happened without Him knowing about it. To some extent, that can even be a bit further unsettling. Nevertheless, it is truly good to have confidence that God won't be surprised nor ill prepared for the schemes of man. The Jews were in God's hands even when they were trembling over the news that they would be killed. God permitted those painful months to pass when they thought they were facing their final days, but He knew what was to come. Haman was not so in command as he thought.

Another thing I simply can't seem to get over is the king's willingness to trust Haman so blindly. He 1) went along with Haman's plot without asking any particulars, 2) gave him his signet ring which is the king's stamp of approval that cannot be revoked, and 3) said, 'do whatever you see fit with the people.' Did the king never once catch a glimpse of Haman's true colors? It just makes me bristle...I'm sure glad that God wasn't missing a beat. He knew what was brewing in Haman's heart and He stepped in for His people!

There have been some dark periods in my own life when I've wondered where God was and what He thought about the events in my life. Why was He allowing these things to happen? God knows what His children need and in my case, He has often answered me, though not necessarily in the way I expected or at the time I pleaded. Sometimes I had to carry on in a direction for awhile before I was sure it was approved by God. That left me anxious much of the time because I wanted to know for sure that what I was up to was what He wanted from me.

I've been discouraged lately and as I think and pray, I consider that what I most want is to cling to Him, regardless of whatever else comes my way. My prayer is more 'don't let go of me, Lord' than 'Lord, I really want...'

Esther study...

2008-12-01T04:34:00.000-08:00

The subtitle to Beth Moore's Esther study is "It's Tough Being a Woman."

Can I just get an amen to that? Lately, I have felt the toughness of being a woman (as well as the tenderness...ouch!).

Two of the themes that go along with that are...it's tough being a woman in another woman's shadow and it's tough being a woman in a mean world. Have either of those applied to your life? How do you work through those things with God? Do you take them to Him?

I have been encouraged in my study that God is with us, even when we don't see what He's doing. One of the lessons I covered yesterday was about how King Ahasuerus promoted Haman and commanded the other servants to bow to him and pay homage. Now, the text didn't explain what Haman had done, but the preceding chapter talks about how Mordecai spared the King's life by telling Esther about a plot to assassinate him. After Esther told the King and gave credit to Mordecai for the news, the King had the matter searched out, it was found to be true, and the two guards were killed. The matter was recorded in the book of chronicles and that was that. Boom! Next thing we know, Haman gets a promotion. Hey, um, wait a second, here. If your mind works like mine, you might be thinking...Lord, with all due respect, why didn't you nudge the King to acknowledge Mordecai? How come an evil man gets promoted and a good man goes unnoticed?

Thankfully, the story gets better, but as we can also testify in some of our own accounts of God's faithfulness in our personal journeys, Mordecai's story gets pretty bleak before it improves. What did Mordecai know about God that kept him going during those dark days?

How fitting...

2008-12-01T04:30:00.000-08:00

So, this week, our women's bible study will be taking a look at Lies Women Believe About Circumstances. Nancy makes a big point of the story of Paul's thorn in the flesh and God's grace being sufficient to meet Paul's needs. With these things on my radar this past week, it stood out to me when one of our songs at church yesterday was "Your Grace is Enough." Here are the lyrics:

Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me [x2]

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Your grace is enough
Heaven reaching down to us
Your grace is enough for me
God I see your grace is enough
I'm covered in your love
Your grace is enough for me
For me

Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T04:26:00.000-08:00

What's on the menu at my house?

Well, Tex Mex Cornbread, Red Potatoes, Squash, Green Bean Casserole, Ham (yeah, not turkey...except that my brother might be getting one of those little stuffed Tofurkys)...and for dessert, A three layer chocolate cake with frosting, ganache, and slivered almonds, frosted carrot cake bars, and honey pecan cheesecake.

I'm making the desserts tomorrow, so I'll have a full day of baking ahead of me!!!

I won't be posting again until Monday most likely, but in the meantime, have a wonderful Thanksgiving and remember to whom our thanks is due!

Next week, I'll probably begin sharing with you about my new study in Esther, Beth Moore's latest bible study release. It should be a good one; Esther has plenty of things that happen that are curious to me.

Relinquishing control

2008-11-25T04:05:00.000-08:00

There was a lot of talk about how God is in control this month, particularly as the election drew close. I wonder how much as Americans, we tend to basically believe that we are in control up until things aren't going our way and then we finally (desperately) admit that it is really God who is sovereign. In a free country, there are plenty of things we do have our say about. We can come to expect that we should get our way and even that we deserve to have it our way.

There are a number a reasons why this is a dangerous thought progression for a Christian. Jesus told his disciples that there would be troubling times and that the servants were not above their master. If He suffered, we'll face some suffering too on account of His name. We are inundated with messages from our culture that it is okay to insist on 'our rights,' but Jesus said the first shall be last, love your neighbor as yourself, and do good to your enemies.

Married women face plenty of temptation to mock their husbands even though they have been called to submit and respect them. Single women are told that it's your body and you are free to do with it as you desire when scripture reminds us that our body is the temple for the Lord, the Holy Spirit takes up residence in us when we become Christians, and that our bodies are a living sacrifice for God. That means that, in fact, we shouldn't do whatever we please, but rather acknowledge what He pleases and live that out.

Think about all of the different ways we can try to control a situation, a person, or circumstances. Several years ago, I finally had to come to grips with the reality that my subtle obsession with my body image and my weight was not only idolatry, but a matter of control. When other things in my life went 'wrong,' I fought back by controlling my food intake and my appearance more. It had a crippling effect. I was captive to it, though I thought I was in control.

What do you do when something (or many things) in your life seem to be spiraling out of control? Where do you turn? What thoughts go through your mind or words pour from your lips?

Friends, you may be in a season where God is asking you to trust Him with those things and to obey Him step by step or perhaps you have a loved one who is struggling with these things. Please pray for that dear one. So much of the way we can mismanage control can happen inside and behind closed doors, but God is not afraid to deal with these areas of sin and He is eager to set us free so that we can give Him glory with the lives we've been given.

Greendale visit

2008-11-24T04:31:00.001-08:00

Here's a little blunder story so that my blog lives up to its name:

On Saturday, Mom and I went to the Taste of Home Outlet in Greendale, WI. I turned off from 94 onto the Loomis Rd exit and boy, that could not have been the right exit because it took quite a bit of driving in Milwaukee to get back on track!

It was then that we dealt with expectations. My Mom expected that I knew exactly how to get there and there was no way we'd get turned about. (Whoops) I thought the map would be enough and that she could tell me what she saw on the map so I could watch for it on the road.

Well, after a little driving and a few prayers sent up silently, we made it. Mom enjoyed the shops and both of us got a good deal of Christmas shopping taken care of.

Unfortunately, the restaurant that used to be across the street from the Visitors Center isn't there anymore and the new restaurant won't open until December. So, we had more exploring to do in order to find a place to eat.

The map (yes, I went back to the map as my lifeline) indicated that Southridge Mall was nearby and it sure was! I didn't expect it to be about 2 or 3 minutes away. One thing that Mom and I didn't enjoy about that area was the lack of stoplights and in places where there were stoplights, oftentimes there weren't left turn arrows. So, you either waited a long time for the coast to be clear or you'd have to be pretty assertive (aggressive, even?). I was surprised at how busy it was and how aggressive some of the drivers were. I think my stereotype has been that Wisconsin drivers are much more laid back than Illinois (Chicagoland) drivers. But, wherever there is a mall and a busy area near the holiday season, I guess people are just people.

Never fear, on the way home, even though I found the right exit the first time, I still managed to take the wrong path when we approached our first fork in the highway! I teased my Mom by the time we were approaching Kenosha County that perhaps there were moments in Saturday's adventure when she wondered if we'd get back home, but nevertheless, there we were, well on our way home to unpack all of the goodies.

Our family cats didn't mind helping themselves to the use of their new cat bed. They took turns laying in it for hours and by the time Sunday morning rolled around, they decided to both get in the bed! I guess that gift is a keeper...

Psalms of Ascent steps

2008-11-24T04:20:00.000-08:00

8 God is the center of the home; He provides sustenance, rest, and blessing.
9 God's blessings multiply, bringing us great gladness.
10 God defends the vulnerable; He will not let enemies prevail over His dear ones.
11 God brings about a full circle redemption. When we wait on Him, He will show up!
12 Have reverence for God regarding things that are beyond us. Peace and calm are present when we humble ourselves before God in all circumstances.
13 The Lord answers our prayers when we obey His commands.
14 Unity of the body brings great joy, blessing, and peace to us and delight in the heart of our Lord.
15 Our purpose is to bless God with our lives; because of who He is, He can't help but bless us back with abundance.

This is the second half of the lessons I took away from the Psalms of Ascent bible study by Beth Moore.

It is an excellent study. One regret I have is that lately, my mind and heart haven't been very quiet. I've been worried. It really affects my ability to apply myself the way I'd like to. This study really asks women to dig deep and to be personal and reflective, which is tough to do when I am so anxious that I'm all clammed up!

On my mind

2008-11-20T04:34:00.000-08:00

Today I am going to visit another librarian. As part of my goals for this year (our fiscal year runs July-June), I wanted to begin meeting with a seasoned librarian for some mentoring. Although I am encouraged that the lady I'll be working with sounds glad to meet with me and interested in providing guidance, I am not really looking forward to revisiting some of the questions that I simply don't have clarity on or that I fear my honest answer is 'wrong' from a career development perspective.

From my phone conversation with her, I know that she will talk with me about joining a library association and further education (academic librarians are supposed to earn a second master's degree). It is the further education bit that becomes so problematic for me. I do enjoy school, but it comes at such a high price and at a time in my life when I am keenly aware that these are the years to get married and have children if that's what I'm really hoping for.

School would affect the time I had to invest at the church and my time see friends and pretty much any other activity I might want to take part in. When I was in my master's program, it took over my free time. Further, this time, I'm less eager to dole out money (and just about unwilling to take out loans) when our economy and job market is what it is. Let's face it, for all the debt I could incur, I won't make that much more when I'm done. It would take a long time to pay back. Or, if I spend the money I'm making towards another degree, there goes the idea that I might save up for my own place, you know?

Then there is the matter of what degree to work on if I did go back. There really aren't too many programs I'd be interested in sacrificing as much as I'd have to in order to move up the ladder of success. What worries me is that I could make all the sacrifices and end up unable to find work commiserate with the new qualifications I would have earned. Then I'd be really upset and broke and for what?

So, I wish I didn't have to deal with this degree question and I fear what she'll think if I admit that as much as I enjoy learning and excel as a student, there are big reasons why I think that should wait. A long time. Frankly, even though it will hurt my career potential, I think I should wait to go back to school until there is no longer any possibility of having my own children.

So, if I'm forty and still single, well, then I'd probably better revisit this school issue so that I can provide for myself. By then, even if I got married, kids wouldn't be part of the equation unless one of us made enough money to adopt. I don't want to go through infertility consultations. I'm not particularly set on having my children be my biological children. For that matter, I'm not set on getting married and having children. I long for that and I ask God about it, but I'm not going to steamroll over God to get it. So, if He says no or wait, then I'd better just do that.

I'm not trying to make light of it or oversimplify. It will grieve me deeply if I'm single the rest of my life. I've thought about it a lot. To some degree, I have felt that it has been a realistic possibility. It would not be easy and I already know that I have and would undergo criticism for it. But, I firmly believe that it is important that my life is honoring to God and that the decisions I made are in submission with His will. If I can't have that and get married, then I know I need to just have Him. It will be painful, but there will be a peace in knowing that I'm seeking God and committing my life into His hands.

From children to emotions

2008-11-19T04:51:00.000-08:00

I tell you, Lies Women Believe is turning out to be not just an exercise in thought and prayer, but a real, face-to-face, getting in my business study! Children was no small issue to tackle for this past week and now we are moving onto the chapter on emotions...so guess what? I've been an emotional wreck for the last week-ish and now I'm going to prepare to work with these ladies about lies women believe about emotions? To boot, I'm expecting my period any day, which even directly involves one of the lies in our text for the week! Oh, brother! Heh...heh...ah, friends, our good Lord allows us to live some of the lessons that we have to lead so that they are fresh in our minds and hearts. Not sure who needs more grace for next Tuesday, me or the ladies who will be enduring my attempts at leadership in an area that can, at times, pummel me to the ground.

God's gift to me yesterday

2008-11-19T04:39:00.000-08:00

I've been gripped by a pretty solid attack of fear and worry over the last few days.

This song was on the new CD I bought yesterday which spoke to me quite personally.

Here is an excerpt from it: “Peace, peace / It’s hard to find/ Trouble comes like a wrecking ball to your peace of mind/ And all that worry /You can’t leave behind you/ But all your hopes and fears are met in Him tonight.”

My individual bible study lesson covered Psalm 131

"O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore."

How much of my disturbance of peace comes from concerning myself with knowing the ins and outs of things that, at least for now, are God's to know about and not mine? How much do I want to rely on my own understanding and when that fails or it isn't enough, I unravel?

God With Us

2008-11-17T04:52:00.000-08:00

There are seasons in my life where I need to really get a grip on what it means that God is WITH us. There is nowhere that I go physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally that God is not right there, too. These days, I particularly need to know that He is with me and that He is for me. Satan wants to shake me...I can feel him trying to sift me like wheat. He loves it when my doubt begins to spread all throughout like a deadly disease. He's not very pleased when I keep working on my bible study anyway and when I cry (literally) to God, praying about the things hoped for that are unseen and unfulfilled.

Last night I was hit with a deep pain, loneliness, and sadness that hasn't hit that hard since January or February. I just cried and prayed. There is a longing that has been growing inside that I know He has created, but He has not fulfilled. It hurts to live with that tension and to face it, just me and Him. I can't help wishing someone else could step in and comfort me, but no one else really fully can.

Somehow, I trust God will provide, but I suspect it will be a long hard road ahead of me and I do not know that I will receive what I've asked for. Still, I know God will answer and He will be with me and that He is for me.

On a bad day...

2008-11-14T11:32:00.000-08:00

I'm grumpy...feeling a general dissatisfaction with what's happening, what I'm up against in life, issues I'm wrestling with, how I see myself

I'm lumpy...yeah, I've got this callous on my left heel that's been irking me since Tuesday

I'm feeling frumpy...I didn't come to work in my sweats or anything, but I'm just looking at my wardrobe and thinking it's 'old,' that I wish I had new things, that I was thinner, and that I wasn't having so much trouble with my rosacea lately.

Oh, Lord, love the grump! I actually wrote out separate lists of ten things that I appreciate about my job, my family, and my boyfriend because I needed the reminder right before my eyes.

Yes, that is how distorted my lens are today. There isn't anything really terrible that has happened. I haven't had any huge grievances at work or home or with my man. No, I'm just really struggling with a particularly bad outlook.

I wish these times didn't come, but by God's grace, they do pass and there is renewal and hope infused into even the darkest places of my soul and the toughest areas of my heart. I've been getting the nudge that this could be a time where I need to be softened up.

Lies women believe...

2008-11-13T04:07:00.000-08:00

In the study I'm leading, this next week we'll be covering lies women believe about children. I think that the more I read about what the feminist movement has brought about in our culture and compare that with scriptures about marriage and family, the more I am confronted with the reality that much of what I have thought about children has been shaped by an unbiblical worldview.

Sure, I've volunteered with church children's ministries and I have a place in my heart for these dear ones because they see the world around them with such freshness, wonder, and opportunity. Still, that doesn't mean that when I get to applying that in my personal life that I have a right view of children.

Please bear with me and try not to get too offended by some of what I might say next. I'm not at all advocating what my beliefs have been. I'm simply admitting that this is where I've come from and recognizing that I want God to continue to work in me on these things.

I have tended to think that children would be such a long interruption in my life (20+ years) and that I wanted to cram in everything else I'd aspired to do first. The way my mind works, I figure that the rest of my life or my goals will essentially stop once I have children and that being a wife and mom will be all consuming. I won't have any other identity or any real substantial time to devote to things that are fulfilling to me. I haven't been too keen on having my own kids because I realize that it is more work than I can possibly imagine and I'm pretty sure in my efforts to get some things right, I'll have huge blindspots in other places. I think about the world I'd be bringing them into and I have grave doubts. I consider how irritated I get with people that are clingy and wonder how on earth I'd be able to manage the infant stages. I want to 'plan' them out. Lack of control regarding the outcome of marriage and parenting makes it difficult for me to want to take such a big risk and trust God to help me each day.

I could go on, but I think by now you get the point.

Scripture pushes me to have a renewed outlook on marriage and family and to remember that God made marriage and family to be a blessing and a means to grow us, sanctify us, and bring glory to Him.

Bible study steps

2008-11-10T04:42:00.000-08:00

In Beth Moore's Stepping Up, after each psalm, we summarize what we learned on that 'step.' Thus far, here are my steps:

1-SOS- Lord, please find me, I'm lost
2-When I look up, I'll find the Lord, my helper
3-God has placed me at my church and in my town with a purpose
4-Turn to God in times of need and mistreatment
5-The Lord bought my life back; He will fight for me
6-God has me within His protection
7-He is with me in the valley; sowing seeds in tears reaps a harvest in joy

Thus far, I would say that this study has been a helpful recap of where I have come in the Lord, what He has delighted to do in my life and how the trying times have been valuable for building character and being prepared for the things yet ahead.

One thing that I worked on yesterday that I've thought about before stemmed from this quote in the study:
"One of the most frustrating things is that in villages where they receive seed, they often eat the seed rather than planting it and bringing forth the harvest."

Beth went on to say this: "We'll think we accepted the teaching because we were so moved by it. But you see, the seed of God's Word can fill our stomachs and give us immediate satisfaction and still not produce a harvest- that's when we eat it but don't sow it. Many times we apply biblical truth to our theologies without applying it to the actual practicalities of life."

Hello, Lord

2008-11-10T04:36:00.000-08:00

I think this song by Sara Groves sums up where I'm at today without getting too personal or too emotional on my blog.

Hello, Lord:

Hello Lord, it's me your child
I have a few things on my mind
Right now I'm faced with big decisions
And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

I don't doubt your sovereignty
I doubt my own ability to
Hear what you're saying
And to do the right thing
And I desperately want to do the right thing
But right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

And somewhere in the back of my mind
I think you are telling me to wait
And though patience has never been mine
Lord, I will wait to hear from you
Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you

Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I think you're whispering

Apart from Him...

2008-11-07T04:34:00.000-08:00

The last couple of days, my bible study has been examining what life would have been like without His holy intervention. I perform that little exercise on myself from time to time, mainly to shed some light on things when I begin to get discouraged. This time I was prompted to dig deeper since I was actually writing some of my thoughts down. As I think about where I might be now if God hadn't taken hold of me when He did, I have plenty of reason to give thanks. I was so troubled in my soul when He called me; I didn't have hope for the future. I saw everything as shades of grey. He has provided what I needed and I can rest assured that when I seek Him, I will find Him.

Especially if you are going through a period of dryness in your time with God, reflect on what He has done in your life and the opportunities He's presented that you would not have had before...

Seriously disturbed

2008-11-06T04:25:00.000-08:00

I'm reading through 'The Feminist Mistake: The Radical Impact of Feminism on Church and Culture.' Yesterday, I was learning about some of what was happening during the 1970's. Feminism was reaching psychology, medicine, literature, sociology, and the family. At least for a time, being a lesbian became the epitome of what it was to be a feminist. In this way, women not only threw off the shackles men had placed on them, but they chose to name themselves and could be free to express themselves sexually outside the context of marriage and even beyond the heterosexual union. After you've read a bit about what feminists were saying about men, it is more understandable that this is the next step in the progression: to look to other women as partners for intimacy.

I couldn't help thinking as I read this that these women are deceived. The 'freedom' to sleep with whoever you want, however you want and whenever you want is not really a true freedom. Choosing this behavior might seem like freedom at first, but you get trapped. Many people become dependent (addicted) to the affirmation, acceptance, pleasure, etc. that comes from the actions they've taken. Feminism fights the urge to be classified or categorized by others, and most specifically, men. In that quest, the woman is then willing to go to extremes in order to reflect that she is not what man has said she is and that she doesn't even need men. But notice the carnage that exists after such a rebellion takes place. The freedom to have sex outside of its intended context has contributed to broken and complicated family structures, divorce, STDs, abortion, homosexuality, drug use, depression, etc.

Is that what it means to be free? Free to make a decision that brings harm to you and those around you?

As I read some of the excerpts of feminist writings about men and the oppression and subjugation women felt stemmed from a patriarchal society, I could understand how we arrived at this place, but the answers feminism offers to the problems create new ones.

Having experienced even a hint of what it is like to be treated with scorn, disrespect, and contempt simply for being a woman, I get what they are saying. It is painful and there is something inside that finally snaps and says, enough! However, as a Christian, I know that I have to take that to God and ask Him to help me handle that anger in a way that doesn't lead me or others into sin.

The rebellion of the feminist movement has hurt the very precious people it has intended to help. Do not be deceived. The deceiver is surely pleased with himself for getting so many women to join together and revolt against men and patriarchal institutions. The result, however, is that we have lost the protective covering that God designed in the context of a God-honoring marriage. We don't see our brothers in Christ with the respect and love that we should. I know that a lot has gone wrong and that there are plenty of stories about the way men mistreat women. What leaves me seriously disturbed is some aspects of feminism encourage women to be divisive towards men, to place themselves on God's throne, and to ultimately degrade themselves.

If this post has moved you at all, please join me in prayer for young women and girls that are growing up surrounded by mainstream feminist thought. May the Lord raise up older women that can shepherd these younger women and may He give us a fresh vision for what it truly means to be a woman.

When He made man and woman, He gave the woman to the man and He declared this very good. Our God would not have done so if the structure He created was not honorable, respectful, loving, holy, blessed, true, and excellent. I see glimpses of that in wonderful couples that I know and Godly singles in my life. Thank you! I also see it in my man, who's been getting an excited retelling of these chapters I've been reading. My boyfriend is an up close example to me that all men are not the enemy of women. His heart towards me is never harsh, demeaning, or disrespectful. Some of the sharp edges I have against men have been ever so slightly smoothed by his living testimony that men really can desire to be like Christ.

Hey, watch where you're going!

2008-11-06T04:18:00.001-08:00

On Tuesday, as I worked through my bible study, I thought...yep, this one is really for me. That day, the study was considering how where we are looking affects how we feel and what our expectations are. When I look to myself, to others, or to circumstances, my feelings can fluctuate quite a bit. My expectations are often either unrealistic or lowered. I lose sight of who God is and that there is nothing outside of His reach.

The study referred to Acts 3, where the beggar is at the Beautiful Gate and Peter and John are on their way to the temple. First, Peter told the lame man to look at them. It wasn't until his eyes were fixed on them that he was paying attention and listening. This increased his expectation that they would provide something. Did they ever...he was healed and free to walk and leap and give thanks to God!

Exercising those muscles

2008-11-03T05:03:00.001-08:00

After I wrapped up my bible study yesterday, I did some ballet and rode the stationery bike for awhile. I flipped songs on my IPod until I got to this one and I stopped to listen. It seemed like a good fit with the Psalms I'd been reading (120 and 121).

Lifehouse

Undone

I can see it your eyes you're hurting
But pain is part of learning who you are
All these truths can sometimes be deceiving
When your whole world comes crashing to the ground

Tell me everything you need now anything at all
And I will be the one who's waiting anytime you fall

Yeah, When you come undone
When you come undone

You know I can't be like everybody
Cause I can't tell you what you want to hear
I don't know if I can make it better
All I know is I will be around

Tell me everything you need now anything at all
And I will be the one who's waiting anytime you fall

Yeah, When you come undone
When you come undone

When all your plans are made out lying on the floor
And all your dreams are turning into nothing more
When all your hope has left you know you're not alone
Just hold on
Hold on

Tell me everything you need now anything at all
And I will be the one who's waiting anytime you fall

Yeah, When you come undone
When you come undone

It isn't a perfect reflection of who God is, to be sure. It's clear that this is a person trying to love another who's going through a rough patch. However, we can emulate God in listening, caring, praying, and being there for others during their tough times. And, ultimately, we need to point them to Him. He is the One who is there when we struggle and He will keep us from falling when we follow Him.

Psalm 91

2008-11-03T04:39:00.000-08:00

As part of my probation, (yes, that's what I'm going to refer to it as from now on...I kind of like that...), I'm restarting a bible study that I've been trying to get to for a few weeks now and finally gave up on: Stepping Up by Beth Moore.

Now, so as not to confuse those who read these periodically, I'm leading a bible study on Lies Women Believe, but I want to do a separate one on my own because it helps me keep growing. Beth Moore studies tend to be more intensive, which I normally really appreciate. However, in the busyness of this present season, I've had a tough time getting jump started on this one. Furthermore, this one is a much more reflective/journaling your life and feelings oriented one than the ones I've done before. This also means more time. I have to slow down and think. I have to engage. I can't just read, think intellectually, glean a few practical theology nuggets and get on with it. Frankly, that's about the 'mode' I've been in as of late. Crud, right?

So, a dear young lady at our church has gone through Stepping Up and her encouragement about the value of the study has prompted me to try again. God's got things to teach me and a place to meet with me if I show up. So I need to pencil Him in regardless of how much of my brain and energy seem wrapped around a bunch of 'stuff.'

Although this was not actually part of our readings in the Psalms, something Beth said in day 3, week 1 alluded to Psalm 91...which I searched for (didn't realize which Psalm it was, but knew roughly where to look).

Check out this fabulous Psalm:

The one who lives under the protection of the Most High
dwells in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 He Himself will deliver you from the hunter's net,
from the destructive plague.

4 He will cover you with His feathers;
you will take refuge under His wings.
His faithfulness will be a protective shield.

5 You will not fear the terror of the night,
the arrow that flies by day,

6 the plague that stalks in darkness,
or the pestilence that ravages at noon.

7 Though a thousand fall at your side
and ten thousand at your right hand,
the pestilence will not reach you.

8 You will only see it with your eyes
and witness the punishment of the wicked.

9 Because you have made the LORD— my refuge,
the Most High—your dwelling place,

10 no harm will come to you;
no plague will come near your tent.

11 For He will give His angels orders concerning you,
to protect you in all your ways.

12 They will support you with their hands
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the young lion and the serpent.

14 Because he is lovingly devoted to Me,
I will deliver him;
I will exalt him because he knows My name.

15 When he calls out to Me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble.
I will rescue him and give him honor.

16 I will satisfy him with a long life
and show him My salvation.

I needed to follow up and look for this because although I am trusting Him more and more in these past few years, the uncertainty of our times has really been chipping away at me. I worry quite a bit about the prospects of one day being able to afford a home. I wonder about what kind of world I'd be bringing little ones into. How do I adequately equip them? I fear that they will experience more blatant persecution than the occasional mockery I have received for my faith. Our country's 'agendas' are deadly to Christians. I'm not exaggerating. The more I've been reading about feminism and the more I think about the pervasive effects of aggressive feminist and homosexual activism, the more deeply I wonder how we can help children and young people sort these things out. These issues are so complicated and the worldviews can sneak into our lives leaving us unaware until some of the effect is already taking place. Both agendas address some real areas where we have mistreated and devalued people and yet their solutions create new problems!

In the zone

2008-11-03T04:27:00.000-08:00

I feel more aware that I'm in the war zone these days. That terrible old cycle of taking on more stuff and having a new schedule has tempted me to crowd out the things I need to remain constant in my life in order to have something meaningful to give. I think that it is at least a common phenomena among women that we think we are only setting aside things that matter to us temporarily, but quickly, a new routine is formed that cuts out the very parts that keep us refueled for everything that will come our way.

For the next week (and I'm hoping to try this for a month), I'm planning to try to get back to the method I had before I got busy. When I get home, the first things to make sure I accomplish are time with bible study and prayer and time to exercise. Otherwise, as the evening wears on and other pressing issues come up, bible study can get more distracted and rushed and exercise doesn't happen at all! This is what I'm going to consider a probationary period for myself. If I can make it through this week, then I hope to stick to it for a month and see what happens with the rest of the things I've been trying to accomplish. Am I realigned or do I need to cut something out? The trouble is that I don't want to do that. Still, I want to stop feeling hurried so much of the time because I really struggle to be me and be 'present' with people when I'm constantly thinking about the next three things I need to do today and what I have to remember tomorrow and what is happening the rest of the week, etc...(mental note: breathe...)

Subversive tones of feminism

2008-10-28T04:39:00.000-07:00

In Radical Womanhood, Carolyn McCulley mentions a brief overview on Margaret Sanger's efforts towards birth control and eugenics. Here is an excerpt from Sanger's writings:

"The most urgent problem today is how to limit and discourage the overfertility of the mentally and physically defective. Possibly drastic and Spartan methods may be forced upon American society if it continues complacently to encourage the chance and chaotic breeding that has resulted from our stupid, cruel sentimentalism...
When motherhood becomes the fruit of a deep yearning, not the result of ignorance or accident, its children will become the foundation of a new race. There will be no killing of babies in the womb by abortion, nor through neglect in foundling homes, nor will there be infanticide...
When the last fetter falls the evils that have resulted from the suppression of woman's will to freedom will pass. Child slavery, prostitution, feeblemindedness, physical deterioration, hunger, oppression, and war will disappear from the earth...
When the womb becomes fruitful through the desire of an aspiring love, another Newton will come forth to unlock further the secrets of the earth and the stars. There will come a Plato who will be understood, a Socrates who will drink no hemlock, and a Jesus who will not die upon the cross."

Um...are you kidding me? Ladies, we've been sent the message that birth control is freedom, that birth control can save us from the tragedies of this world. It is within our grasp to eradicate the world's problems, not to mention those who are handicapped.

What?!? Does anyone else take issue with the salvation by birth control gospel? This, my friends, is NOT good news. Our issues on earth cannot be minimized to this. It's nowhere near as basic as controlling the who, what, when, where, why, and how of propagation. If this isn't an illustration of how women have been promised power that is not theirs to be had, I don't know what is.

Friends, let us think carefully and act intentionally when we make judgments about the roles and rights of women. This kind of message sets out to destroy the Biblical principles of womanhood. Our culture would lead us to believe that the choices we can make about having families are empowering to women. Be careful! Some of the ideas and concepts behind these 'freedoms' are subversive to Christianity and to what God intends for women.

Good, better, best: Prioritizing God's Way

2008-10-24T04:22:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else seem to have some trouble with prioritizing what sometimes appears to be an endless list of things to do, places to go, and people to see?

Last week, I'd been getting a bit burned out and made a scheduling blunder, so I moved those items to this week's list. However, I was not prepared for the toll PMS can take on productivity and the fact that I'd agreed to do some things this weekend that I forgot about until very recently! Yikes!

So, I find myself wondering what to do...I know I need to get my bible study prep done and unfortunately, my great illustration is only half-baked at this point... ;) At the same time, I could stand to benefit from some fellowship opportunities on Saturday...how can I fit in the things that need to be taken care of?

What I know thus far of the Lord is this: if I submit these things to Him, He will in fact help me get done the things that He has called me to. It's easy for us to get distracted by the good and better things in life when God wants the best. I feel that crunch most when I've somehow managed to overextend myself. These are times when I can rely on the Lord more and I have to scale back my expectations of myself and my desire to make everyone else happy, get things done perfectly, and look well put together. :)

Radical Womanhood/McCulley

2008-10-20T04:36:00.000-07:00

I just started reading Carolyn McCulley's new book entitled Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World. It is a helpful exercise to try to place names, seminal works, and issues on a historical time line to understand in brief how the feminist waves have happened. I'm intrigued enough to want to know a bit more still, so I might also read Mary Kassian's 'The Feminist Mistake' when I'm done with this one!

I'm not a feminist by a long shot, but I have struggled quite a bit over the issue of career aspirations versus being a wife and mom. To some degree, so far I have consoled myself by saying that if I end up single for the long haul, I'll probably do PhD work and maybe I could be a professor. Thus far, that single possibility seemed, well, like a real possibility.

If I got married and had little ones, it doesn't seem as feasible to fit in academic pursuits. Sometimes, I've felt frustrated that I'm made as an intellectual woman, but the natural outlets for pursuing those dreams are generally not supportive of women trying to have families, too. Try checking out articles in Chronicle of Higher Education, for example.

So, there are times that I have a fit with God about submitting to Him on this. God, I think to myself, why did you make me intellectual AND a woman when you know that the career pursuits are difficult for women? I'm frustrated with this, Lord.

Thankfully, He is more than able to take it! Unsurprisingly, I struggle with the idea of submitting to a husband on this issue, too. I know that I need to and part of me wants to because I believe it is best. Yet, there is a piece of me that fears that my husband would reduce his view of me to my roles as wife and mom and that along the way, he'd forget some of the rest of who I was before we met and that there is value in nurturing that, too. I worry that if that happens, a seed of resentment will grow in me and there will be that 'I told you so' voice in my head.

Lord, have mercy! Prepare me in accordance with your will and your purposes for this life of mine. Please help me to trust that submission done your way is good and that it is worth pursuing even if there are things I have to let go of along the way. Lord, I also ask that there would be opportunities for me to grow as a woman whether I'm married or single and that I will learn to live like I believe that you knew exactly what you were doing when you formed me and it brings you joy to use those qualities to glorify yourself.

True Woman 08 online

2008-10-17T04:38:00.000-07:00

This week, I've mainly spent my designated blogging time to listen to the True Woman 08 Conference general sessions.
Check them out: True Woman 08

I found Mary Kassian's brief history of feminism to be very informative.

The message that gripped me the most was Karen Loritt's talk on fear. If you struggle with crippling fear, I urge you to listen to her session! It is excellent!

John Piper indicates that singleness manifests God's kingdom in ways unique from married people in three ways: 1) emphasizes that the family of God grows by regeneration through faith, not merely propagation, 2)relationships in Christ are more permanent than family relationships, and 3) marriage is temporary.

Oh Lord, I ask you to extend an extra portion of grace for singles living in these times! It is not easy to trust that God's Truth is worth staking our lives, our dreams, and our futures on. The world tells us to go after what we want and that we deserve to have what we want.

Single friends...stick with the Lord. Draw very near to Him! Do not look to the left or right. Stay fixed on Him. When we submit to Him, He will meet our needs and He will care for us with the abundance of His love.

Married sisters...please reach out to a single woman. Be intentional about checking in on her and building friendship with her. God delights in blessing these efforts. Please encourage singles to pursue God first and to trust Him in times of waiting and times of dating.

All ladies...remember that our circumstances are opportunities to reflect what we believe about our God. We are promised in life that there will be troubles, but we are also reassured that God will be with us through it all. Let's live like we believe He is near, He is sovereign, and He is loving, faithful, and true.

Remembering who we serve...

2008-10-13T04:32:00.000-07:00

This new season in my life has pressed me to consider who's expectations I'm trying to live up to. I will have to be more discerning about whether or not my focus is primarily on serving as the Lord wants me to or aiming to please men and women. In this world, even if the people I want to please are Christians, it won't always mean that I'll meet that goal or that it is what the Lord has in mind. It can be very difficult for me to reconcile those things in practice.

I want to please my parents, but I know that some of their desires for me are not my own and that God has called me to some things that aren't always what my parents like or want.

I hope to be a valuable women's leadership team member and yet I know that I've got so much to learn about decorating, hospitality to women, how things operate at the church, and so on. There are a number of things that are less intuitive because I'm not a wife and mother.

I deeply desire to encourage the women in my bible study. I want to be a resource for them, a prayer warrior on their behalf, and a woman that exhorts them to press on in the faith and to know He is worth every bit of the cost. How do I infuse our discussion time with that message, though?

I long to be a godly girlfriend and I'm quite sure that it is not as simple as I pictured it might be. Just because you know what you would like to do doesn't always make it easy to actually do it. I struggle with the expectations I have upon myself and the realization that people are watching and also sizing up how I'm doing. My boyfriend is not sitting in judgment for every little thing I don't live up to. Still, there is much I don't know about how to best be a help to him and I am learning that what I want to do may not always be what he wants or needs.

Women bring beauty to the world

2008-10-10T04:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not just talking about physical appearance or even spiritual character necessarily. I'm referring to the way that God designed us as women. We come bearing beauty. It might be in a kind word. A ministry we pour our hearts into. Communication style. A creative way of displaying something. Hospitality. Interior design. Card making or scrapbooking. The way we select clothing. The gentle care we take in speaking with a child. Nurturing of older people. Walking with grace. Smiling warmly at passersby. Use of color and texture. It is part of the way we see the world.

You don't have to have the physical appearance that wows crowds. You don't need to be the woman everyone praises for her excellence at church. We tend to think we have to be exceptional by someone else's standards to be beautiful. It simply is not so. God crafted us in the womb to be bearers of beauty. It is part of what we bring into the world. Can you see it? Do you use it to bless others? Did it get buried somewhere under the labels or beneath responsibilities? Ask God to show you or remind you and then obey...act on it to manifest a piece of God's own beauty to someone else.

We sometimes grow frustrated with men for being so easily drawn to false or superficial beauty. The beauty that will pass away. What are we doing to adorn ourselves with the beauty of the Lord? It does make a difference. Really. We need to be willing to search our own hearts on this matter and ask God to change us and give us a right view of beauty. We have a great influence over the men in our lives simply by the way we carry ourselves. Instead of pointing out the places we might feel they fall short, let us work on trusting God for affirmation and confidence and being a living representation of the beauty that will never fade away, but only grows richer and sweeter as time goes on...

What defines you?

2008-10-09T04:14:00.000-07:00

Allow me to get more specific, what do you allow to define you?

Since I'm facilitating a study on Lies Women Believe, it has me thinking more about what instances or persons or characteristics in our lives as women become defining moments.

Is there anything that you've been hanging onto for years?
Perhaps you are riding on something good you did awhile back and you've been coasting in your walk with God for some time?
Or, what about something that happened to you that you still beat yourself up over?

Let's take it further...who do you allow in your life to define you?
Keep in mind, nobody should be pulling more weight than God!
How often do we let someone else's opinion of us either exalt us or knock us down? It can happen in an instant! One small word or phrase that we ride out far too long.

I'll give you some illustrations from my own life.
A 'positive' one would be that I was the good girl growing up. Loved my parents, did well in school, almost always tried my best...I let that define me, but it became a hindrance because I tended to think I didn't need God's help or His salvation. No handouts. I've got it covered. I can do it and I'm good. It was a struggle to realize that underneath that goodness, I still had problems and sin and that my motives for being good weren't always God honoring. Sometimes, I just wanted people to be pleased with me or to be noticed for...something. As a quiet kid, I didn't get much attention.

A 'negative' example: I allowed men in my life to label me. Rather than evaluating what they said or how they treated me, I accepted it and began to wear that label around. Some of those labels weren't accurate and most of them were not things that God says about His women. Even today, I wrestle with recognizing those labels and peeling them off. They've been on for years. You're not outgoing enough. You're the 'smart' girl. You're 'nice.' You're not worth my time or attention. You lack confidence. You think too much.

It has made a big difference in my life to spend time in the living Word. I'm learning what God says about His daughters. I've also been blessed with several friends who are supportive and want to help me address my issues, build me up, and see me growing in Him. Most recently, my boyfriend has been able to assist me with removing some of those old labels. I'm not sure he is even consciously aware that he is doing so. I think from his vantage point, he's just being himself. But it is a great treasure to me and it has been so important to experience someone in a boyfriend role treating me as a woman of worth. I don't get messages from him about I am too much of this or not enough of that. If I let it start to sink in, who knows what might happen! :)

I would challenge you to think about these things and talk to God about them. You may also want to speak with a wise friend or journal about it to sort through some of the story behind the label. Recognize the part you played. Did you feed into it? Did you passively accept it? Did you try to renounce it? What feelings linger from these labels? May the Spirit be with you in this process so that you can seek the things above and not stay caught up in what the world says about you.

Where your treasure is...

2008-10-07T04:29:00.000-07:00

From time to time, it is a good idea to take inventory of how you spend your time, your energy, your money, your thoughts, your words...everything that you put substantial investment in throughout the week or month.

Are there any places you can streamline?
Is there anything that you recognize is taking up too much of your resources?
Is something missing that you want to be on that list?
Are the things you are expending time and energy on supportive/complementary to the current stage of life you are in?
Are these things God has given you to do or that you or others have given you to do?
Do you have any margins (time that isn't slated to do something or be somewhere)?

It's so easy for us to get caught up in some things and not see the effects they might be having on us. It is worth while to revisit your time and resource management to identify what God has entrusted to you in this season of life and to see if the things you are involved in support that mission.

Word of life

2008-10-06T04:41:00.000-07:00

These days, time seems to fly by. Sometimes, I just want a breather and I feel I need to pause or slow down, even if it isn't the socially acceptable thing to do. I'm not outright advocating my habits, but I do think that when you find that you are running low, it's time to stop and refuel. Sometimes that happens at 'inconvenient' times. Oh well, that's life, don't you think?

Saturday was pretty full. I went to Mug N Muffin to pitch in and by the time I came home, I needed to help around the house with moving furniture back, cleaning, and waxing my car. I had barely sat down to listen to a sermon series when my mom said dinner would be coming soon. I told her I wanted to work on it until dad arrived. I was a woman on a mission because I hadn't spent concentrated time with the Lord yet and I wanted to. Within maybe five minutes, I heard my boyfriend approaching the driveway on his Harley. Still, I didn't want to be distracted from my goal, which was to fit in a solid twenty minutes of this sermon.

I began to wonder if that was realistic when I heard the door open and voices upstairs. I heard my mom talking to my boyfriend and I confess I was relieved. Alright...maybe I can plug away a bit further before interruption. Long about the time my dad came home, I had successfully completed twenty-one minutes of my study and at this point, I didn't mind joining the family.

Sunday morning felt similar in that once I decided I simply wasn't getting up early enough for Adult Bible Fellowship, I thought, Ah! I could actually do my hair today and let it set while I finish my study on CD. Heh, heh...I tend to press the boundaries on what can be accomplished in a set amount of time. I managed to listen up to the closing prayer and then jetted to church. I was walking in less than a minute before we rose for the opening song.

Community learning, worship, and service is an essential part of our walk as Christians. So don't get me wrong, I value that and I have been challenged to make it a significant part of my life. However, the way I'm wired, I get recharged and 'fed' by the word of life most often when I'm studying alone. The more things I find myself participating in, the greater the threat of that alone time getting lost in the shuffle. So, in some silly way, I felt like I stepped out of the role of Martha (do do do) and into the role of Mary (simply at the feet of Jesus) in those moments, even if there was still the pressure to keep doing and going.

My Sanctuary Smells Like Coffee...

2008-10-03T04:12:00.000-07:00

Well, Tuesday I had sent up a desperate prayer to the Lord. Later on that day, I took a late lunch break and headed over to the nearest coffee shop. I used to go there quite often to meet up with friends and while I was in graduate school, I went there to have a different atmosphere or to break from research.

I didn't even sit down before I felt relief. It felt that for a short time, I could leave all of my work stuff at work and just focus on bible study and refuel. It felt like a safe and familiar place where I could let down my guard. Work and home have not felt like those kinds of places to me recently. There is much to do and it's been stressful and wearisome.

In the evening, I met with my bible study group. Yay! What a lovely group of women. I'm very excited to see how the Lord works in our lives as we study Lies Women Believe together.

On Wednesday, I had ballet to look forward to. I wore my classic ballet pink leotard that has a skirt attached. For a few moments, I could pretend I was the ballerina princess I longed to become when I was a little girl. You know, don't you, that just because we grow up and have lots of responsibilities doesn't mean that our dreams die! Even when we try to bury them, they are often still there somewhere and sneak out just when you least expect it. I'm thankful for my instructor. She does a fine job with us. She is encouraging and she explains and corrects our form as we go. I want to do my best when I'm there, not because I feel pressured, but because she inspires that desire in me to give extra and to be confident in what I can do. Confidence is something I'm generally lacking and I don't always respond too well to attempts to instill confidence in me. Heh, maybe my instructor has taken motivational speaking? ;)

Honestly complicated

2008-09-30T04:32:00.000-07:00

I've felt increasingly stressed since late August. I'm trying to keep up with a number of different things at work and at home. Often times I'm either going-going-going to do this or that or I just about completely crash and there isn't much happening with either brain or body.

Something's got to give, but I haven't figured out what that is. I suspect that much of it will have to do with trusting God with all of the stuff and knowing that He is sovereign over everything that's been happening. Nothing wears me out quickly quite like prolonged fear and anxiety.

I wish there were a few changes I could make that would completely change my perspective. However, at the moment, whatever I attempt seems like it would require more time, work, and energy...things I don't feel I have much to give.

So, today, I'm sending an SOS signal up to God. Not just Kyrie Eleison. I'm talking H-E-L-P! I'm rapidly coming to the end of my strength, my focus, my patience, my peace, my hope, my joy, and my steadfastness. Please draw me near and restore me. Give me your vision where mind is fading and you patience where mine has run out. Please galvanize my faith and heal a stressed, fatigued body and soul.

John 11:1-44 continued

2008-09-30T04:18:00.000-07:00

While Rhea discussed the story of Lazarus' death and resurrection, she challenged us to reflect on our relationship with the Lord.

Are we close to Him? Do we know Him? We can't trust someone who we don't know.

Lazarus means 'God, who is my help,' but in the story, Jesus did not show up when his loved ones expected. Have there been situations in which you struggled to understand God's timing?

Bethany means 'house of misery, depression.' Are you living in your own Bethany?

Mary and Martha, like most of us, judged the circumstances based on what appeared to be true to their eyes. This can be very dangerous for our faith because the Spirit reveals things to us that are yet to come. He tells us things that cannot currently be seen in our lives. If we try to simply use reason to sort it out, our faith will falter. We will believe lies about God.

But, take heart when you don't see Him or He isn't showing up when you expect Him to. We are trusting in a God who does not lie (Titus 1). When we put our faith fully in Him, we do not need to be fearful about things that happen which we do not understand. We can go to Him and trust Him to fulfill His promises. When we commit ourselves to Him entirely, He can do amazing things with our offering!

Jesus asked where Lazarus was buried so that He could go to him. I loved that Rhea's paraphrase for Jesus was "I haven't had the last word yet."

Rhea asked us to consider what dreams and hopes in our lives have died. What has been buried? When was there a time when you said, "Lord, if you would have been here X would not have happened!"

Will you let Him take care of those places in your life? Will you trust Him with them?

Spirit food for the morning

2008-09-29T04:56:00.000-07:00

This morning, I gave pause to listen to this song that encouraged me to remember how faithful God is:

He's Always Been Faithful/ Sara Groves

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful to me.

John 11:1-44: Death and raising of Lazarus

2008-09-29T04:40:00.001-07:00

This was the one. I mean THE one for me over the course of our retreat that was directly pointedly at me.

They were all applicable and spoke truth, but this was the one that met me where I was at. This was the one I wanted to push away because God's been stirring up things I don't want reawakened. I don't want to feel things deeply that I can't figure out what to do with. It frightens me to have a vision for the future that I can't explain or show someone plainly how it could be brought about.

Faith is not seeing with human eyes. Faith stretches beyond the circumstances and limitations we find ourselves in and believes God for who He is and trusts His promises anyway.

I want to have faith and yet I don't always want to be tested on it.

To set the stage, Lazarus was ill and Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus in the expectation that he would come. Jesus loved Lazarus, and Mary, and Martha, yet He chose to continue to go about His business for two more days before setting out in the direction of Lazarus. This means four days passed since word was sent to Him. Lazarus was dead and buried by now. All apparent hope was gone.

When Jesus arrived both Mary and Martha exclaimed, "If you would have been here, our brother would not have died." They were crying out...and thinking, if you love us, why didn't you do something? You know what to do. You have the power. Why did you wait until it was too late?

Jesus mourned with them and felt their grief. Then, He said, "roll away the stone." He had allowed enough time to lapse so that there was no possibility for any other explanation of Lazarus' resurrection than that of a miracle of God. It was God's intention that this death would not yet end in death, but that Lazarus would be raised so that others would come to believe in God and receive salvation.

But, first, the obstacle had to be removed (the stone). Then, the grave clothes had to be taken off. Lazarus had to choose to respond to Christ's gift of life. He had to leave the burial garments behind and walk in life and truth.

Now, we are just getting started with where this session is going, so I'll have to continue on tomorrow...

John 7:53-8:11: Adulterous woman

2008-09-26T04:53:00.000-07:00

How would you like to walk in the freedom of knowing you and forgiven?

Nancy Leigh DeMoss talks about lies women believe about sin and she explains that we tend to either live as though our sin is too big and too filthy for God to manage or that our offenses are small and God isn't really all that concerned about them.

The adulterous woman was not in a position to think her offense was minor. The teachers of the law caught her in the act and dragged her to Jesus in an attempt to snare Him. They inquired of Him 'what should be done to her?'

Now, these men were feeling rather haughty for catching her and for not being the sort of people that commit that kind of sin. But Jesus saw right through their schemes, right to their hearts, which was why He said that whoever was sinless could be the first to cast a stone at her.

You see, the Pharisees (and sometimes long-standing Christians struggle with this) found it all too easy to forget how grave their own spiritual condition was without Jesus. They were painstaking in following the letter of the law, but where were their hearts? Is that not part of the command as well?

Rhea reminded us how refreshing it is that Jesus was not afraid of the adulterous woman's sin. He was willing to interact with her. To face her and talk to her. To minister to her. He came to save; not to condemn the lost.

A few questions that arose from this session:

What 'respectable sin' are you dressing up?

If you were to live like you remember what you have been forgiven for, would that change the way you are living now?

'Reputation is what man cares about, character is what God cares about.' Does the body of Christ minister to the sick and needy or judge them?

Acts 3 message part 2

2008-09-26T04:39:00.000-07:00

One of the powerful illustrations Rhea used involved packing labels. She came across a packing label that said 'defective merchandise' and she knew this was good material for a sermon to women! Like the beggar at the Beautiful Gate, women can find themselves crippled by something that they didn't have control over. This 'history affects their destiny' as Rhea put it.

Think about it for a minute. Is there anything in your own life that has altered you, marked you, for life? Some of those things are really good, and yet others can be devastating. We feel marred. Permanently. Rhea used the term 'tatooed.' There are some things that have happened to us, or that we've done, or heard or said that are tatooed on our minds and heart.

What are some of those things for you?

I can tell you one of mine right now: I'm not worthy. And you know what? Years and years of change and commitment to the Lord, I still have that there and it cripples me.

But the good news is that whatever it is, it isn't bigger than our great Healer. Jesus can restore you and He delights in doing so. I thought Rhea expressed this well when she said, but 'it's a process, it's painful, and you have to want it.'

Do you want it? Will you go to Him about those tatooed memories and let Him work in your heart and mind?

She wrapped up the packing label story by saying that one of the employees at the Target where she saw the defective sticker showed her a sticker that said 'salvage' and right then and there, she was ecstatic because that is just what Jesus does...the world looks at us and says 'defective,' but Jesus looks on us with love, hope, and faith and says 'Salvage!'

Acts 3:1-10

2008-09-25T04:25:00.000-07:00

In this scene, Peter and John were on their way to the temple when they passed a beggar and offered him healing so he could walk. Our speaker made a clear distinction between the kind of assistance the beggar normally received, coins in a cup, in contrast to the work that Peter and John did in meeting his real need for a healthy able body. The beggar was merely seeking to survive, yet he was granted the miracle of walking!

This message challenged us to consider the kind of help we offer people: is it mere coins in a cup or are we giving them Jesus? Are we addressing their deeper needs?

Is there someone or something in our life that we expect to carry us or support us besides Jesus? Are we actively pursuing Him or passively relying on someone or something to be our sustenance?

Luke 13:10-17: Crippled woman

2008-09-25T04:14:00.000-07:00

The crippled woman was physically bent down, which hindered her ability to see things rightly. She was not considered very valuable in her community since she was a woman, and a crippled one at that. However, Jesus sees through these things that man judges. He saw a woman in God's image. She had been regularly going to the temple to be in the presence of the Lord. This woman went to the right place to be fed! Although her vision for her life was skewed by her circumstances and her handicap, she was pursuing God. Through the crowd, Jesus saw her and called to her. He knew what was in her heart and he was aware of her needs. Once He offered her restoration, she still had the choice to make about whether or not to accept it.

This session exhorted us to consider what we find ourselves bound to.
What is blocking your view of Jesus?
What is stealing your peace/joy?

Women's Retreat Overview

2008-09-23T04:32:00.000-07:00

Over the next few days, I'd like to share with you about the sessions we had at retreat. Of course, today I left my notes at home, but I can at least give you a general impression of how things went. We had beautiful fall weather and a nice turnout of women. It was fun to see women from about 20 to about 80 all in one place studying God's word, praising Him, and laughing together!

Rhea Briscoe was our speaker and the ladies raved about her the whole weekend! She did a very fine job of giving us instruction in the word and bringing the message from head to heart. There were many tears and convictions to make changes when the women returned home. Hooray for the power and work of the Holy Spirit!

We had four sessions and the theme was permanently marked: Healing of the lame man at the Beautiful Gate, Healing of the woman with a disabling spirit, Adulterous woman, Death and raising of Lazarus.

There was a time for crafts, cabin devotions, shopping/free time, decades costume party, and lots of singing, talking, praying, and eating!

I wish I would have had a day or two to really sit down and review what Rhea discussed so that I could consider next steps. All too quickly, we are ushered back into our full schedules and that good spiritual work can be lost or dormant if we don't act on it! I probably need to set a day or two aside sometime soon so that I can get to it.

Of course I say that and then I look at my calendar for this week and next and remember what I've already committed to and wonder where I'll fit it in...It sure is a balancing act. I'm a quiet, reflective person, so I run on empty if I don't have a considerable amount of time to think and pray and journal. I haven't had regular time to sit, ponder, and write beyond bible study for quite awhile...help!?! No wonder my spirit's been groaning lately...not getting enough nourishment!

I'm beginning to wonder if my best bet is simply to take a day off. Unfortunately, it isn't as simple as it sounds this semester because two days a week I have a reference shift that I have to find coverage for when I'm gone and one morning a week I have ballet in Libertyville, so that leaves Thursdays and Fridays as the 'easiest' days to try to take off, but both days I take my mom to work! Can you tell I've been overwhelmed this semester? ;)

Tearing down walls

2008-09-16T04:45:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I was thinking in spirals as I sometimes do when I'm worried about things. I was considering the paths that lead to marital relationship destruction and seeing how easy it could be to find myself in those patterns when I'm loaded down with too much. I see it happen at work and this would be one of those seasons. There is so much to keep track of that I burn out. I shut down on the inside and don't want to talk about things. I become mechanical at times about getting things done. I go through the motions, but my heart and mind are too worn out to be 'in it.' It created a measure of fear in me to recognize that I can be that way and that I'd have to be on guard if I got married. I could definitely see myself getting overly busy if I had kids. I tend to need quiet time and space to rejuvenate and that is hard to come by when you are responsible for caring for your home and family. So, I (needlessly) got myself a bit worked up about this. Then, the next day I read:

"He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap." Ecclesiastes 11:4

Hm. Indeed. There I am. I'm thinking about the state of the economy. I'm concerned about so many 'what ifs' in the future. I'm watching my circumstances and thinking that I can't sow now. It's too risky. I shouldn't get too involved, too invested in anything that requires high risk, mature faith, and a great God.

"In the morning sow your seed, and at evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or whether both alike will be good."
Ecclesiastes 11:6

Ouch. I stand rebuked.

Permanently Marked...soon!

2008-09-15T04:38:00.000-07:00

This upcoming weekend is the Women's Retreat for my church. We'll be heading up to Door County to listen to Rhea Briscoe speak about how we are permanently marked for Jesus. I'm looking forward to getting away from my daily routine more than I could possibly tell you! It will be good to hear truth spoken, have some fun and fellowship, be in a peaceful atmosphere, and have a schedule that is so varied. No email!

I am hoping that this could be a refreshing time. I've been growing weary of some of the trials in my life that simply aren't going away anytime soon! Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy!)I think this time in my life is another one of those moments when the Lord is going to clear away some things that I'm attached to so that I can depend on Him more and have a greater sense of confidence in Him rather than in myself or my circumstances. Sometimes as much as I want to feel His presence and know He is working in me, I don't like it when He actually gets to working ON me!

That reminds me of a quote from C. S. Lewis:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right, and stopping the leaks in the roof, and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably, and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to?

The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of– throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

Yesterday in church, a couple sang this song that seemed pertinent to the darker seasons we must go through at times:

Trust His Heart

Written by: Babbie Mason and Eddie Carswell

All things work for our good
though sometimes we can’t see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blind us to the truth.
Our Father knows what’s best for us;
His ways are not our own.
So, when your pathway grows dim,
and you just can’t see Him,
Remember He’s still on the throne.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don’t understand,
when you don’t see His plan,
When you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.

He sees the Master plan.
He holds the future in His hands.
So don’t live as those who have no hope.
All our hope is found in Him.
We walk in present knowledge,
but He sees the first and the last.
And like a tapestry, He’s weaving you and me
to someday be just like Him.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don’t understand,
when you don’t see His plan,
When you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.

New fall schedule

2008-09-10T04:38:00.000-07:00

My work schedule is a little different this fall and feels packed with meetings, training, and responsibilities. I've been pretty wiped out the last few weeks. I took on a reference shift during lunch time twice a week, which so far, delays my break until near the end of my work day. I end up feeling really taxed by the time I can take a break. Wednesdays, I have ballet in the late morning and that is my break, + making up the travel time before or after work. Normally, I take ballet in the evenings, but the classes were offered on Friday night and then later the studio opened up a late Monday night. I decided to stick with my day class. I think it will actually be very refreshing to get away for that time each week. I get to think differently, move around, and focus on something else for awhile.

Lure of the dark side

2008-09-09T04:21:00.000-07:00

Each one of us has some temptations that really snag a hold of us. I thought about that a lot last night as I was watching Revenge of the Sith. It was striking to see how Senator Palpatine rather quickly eroded Anakin's sense of what was right and wrong. He appealed to the fact that Anakin had made the same kinds of (bad) decisions before, he pointed out Anakin's weakness through his attachment to Padme and the responsibility and hatred that lingered from the death of his mother, and he chipped away at the trust that Anakin had built up since childhood with the Jedi Knights. The Senator singled Anakin out in a way that left him vulnerable to attack, but also fed a pride and arrogance that led Anakin to feel entitled to opportunities when he should have been humble and patient. Listening to some of the different tactics the Senator employed and thinking about the ways that Anakin changed in response was a very real part of the story.

As much as I love the way that good and evil are depicted in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I think that Star Wars addresses another angle of this battle in a striking way. Anakin is a character of strength and talent; great things are expected of him. He has the capacity to be 'good,' but his lust for control and power and his fiery temper get out of hand. A little sin that goes excused grows deeper and more pervasive until it permeates him and overtakes him. Although we can see him wrestling with it, he doesn't appeal to a greater purpose outside of himself and this is part of where the destruction lies. Frodo had a huge task to bear; he was the forerunner in a global cause. There was a selflessness about his journey that kept pressing him to think and act beyond himself, his wants, his desires. Anakin's goal (to keep Padme from harm) was ultimately a selfish one and the more he reflected on it, the more he gave way to evil.

This is so fascinating, though, because it is something that the Lord disciplines us about. The Lord sees when we begin to grip our dreams and our desires too tightly, even when they might be good in and of themselves. Sometimes, He shakes up our world a bit with difficult circumstances because He knows how we will become if we think we've got the right to demand that our husband, our children, our job, our home, our future turns out the way we have envisioned. Frankly, even when we get what we ask for, there are times we will wish we had not!

In all this, I pray that it will move us to go to the Lord time and again, presenting all that we have, all that we are, and all we hope for to Him. We can choose to live in such a way that supports His sovereignty and in this submission, there is protection, grace, joy, and true peace, even when times are very tough.

Slowing down

2008-09-08T04:12:00.000-07:00

I recognize that I need to slow down a bit. I've been doing a lot of different things lately, but as a result, my soul tends to become disquieted and I respond by becoming anxious. My prescription? Well, I'm going to try to make some time to journal again and to read some contemplative works.

I think I need to force myself to relearn how to have a little time throughout the week that isn't either designated to going somewhere, doing something, preparation for something, or in between things time. I got really pretty good at this before graduate school, and then my graduate school and work schedule taught me to overload as a way of life. Last fall was fairly quiet as far as scheduling, but ever since spring, I've had a constantly changing group of things I'm working on.

I can tell that the anxiety is taking over when I begin to skip my work break in an effort to 'get a few more things done,' I feel a general sense of being mentally and emotionally tired, small things send me into worry-mode, I become afraid to have a period of quiet because it's been too long since I've worked through my emotions, and I inwardly feel propelled to move faster and faster to fit more into my days/weeks. Once I reach this point, it's time to reassess. Something's got to give!

the waiting game...

2008-09-05T04:22:00.000-07:00

As I was rereading the chapter in Stacey Padrick's book on desire, I was reminded that one of the things we worry about as women are things that we want, but don't have (yet?). We think about if those dreams will ever come true. We wonder when. We ask God what we are supposed to do in the meantime. Somewhere along the way if we wait long enough, we begin to realize it's taking too long to call this waiting period 'the meantime.' It is so long that it is really life and a true season unto itself.

How do we accept that and make the most of the opportunities that God gives us during that season? How do we surrender our wildest dreams to God and trust Him with them? How do we refrain from giving up hope?

One of the things that chapter brings up is that desire, ultimately, points us back to God; it points us heavenward. We won't be completely satisfied and fulfilled with anything other than or less than a close committed relationship with our Lord.

It's a good idea for us to keep that in mind, because we will be inundated with messages from the world and even from well-meaning Christians at times, who will try to say that we can be whole without Him or that we need Him, but we need more than just Him.

Ladies, we have to learn to strategize on this front. To equip ourselves with God's truth and to be prepared to guard against those distracting messages because they can hit hard and they can tempt us in a weak moment. If we've got scripture references ready and a friend or two praying for us about these matters, we can take these battles of the mind and heart on and be victorious in the name of the Lord!

When storms are coming...

2008-09-03T04:46:00.000-07:00

It looks like there might be some of life's storms headed in my direction. I'm trying to keep in mind that I will need to: 1) protect my time with the Lord, 2) pray more often, 3) make sure I still see friends and do some fun things here and there, 4) allow myself to cry when I'm stressed, 5) pick out verses, characteristics, and songs that can be a particular encouragement to me where I'm at, and 6) refrain from shutting down on the inside.

Every fall/winter season, I tend to get really down, whether or not there is much going on in my life to be discouraged about. So, when there are a few things that are troubling me, I'm in even worse shape! I'm inclined to resist it for awhile, but then, after a few weeks, I think I'm losing ground and I give in to negative thought patterns and fears a little more and more. I begin to feel that there isn't much I can do about it. I don't want to do that this season, but I know I'll have to be very proactive in fighting it off.

If you struggle with this, it's a good idea to consider what things you'll need to help you through before the storm hits. Make those things ready for battle, contact the people who can love you and pray for you, search out the verses that speak to your areas of weakness, find something to get involved in during this season that pulls you away from dwelling on your own life...

Worry...the anti-discipline?

2008-09-02T04:31:00.000-07:00

What is it that we hope to achieve when we worry about things?

I suppose that I somehow hope that the effort I put into worrying will exert some control over the situation I fear is completely out of my control.

It is both easier and harder to worry than to take it to God. It is easier in the sense that it comes naturally and so I don't have to be disciplined about it the way I would if I decided to take it to prayer every time I felt the urge to worry. But it is harder because I'm still wanting to see things turn out my way, carrying a burden that is too big, and usually distancing myself from God in the process by not simply going to Him.

I've observed that sometimes when women worry that they hope to sway the behavior or attitudes of those that they love, particularly children and husbands. Again, we want to change something, do something, but we aren't sovereign over the outcome.

So we fret over it.

Worrying might not be a discipline, but it can certainly become a habit. We can either nurture the tendency to worry or try to kill it off with prayer, reading the Word, talking through it or writing about it, or a number of other ways that we can choose to burst the bubble.

One thing that I have recently found that helps me when I begin to worry is to recount a hymn or spiritual song that addresses my concern and reminds me of God's character.

Keep in mind that when we worry and we take it to God, we need to listen to Him about it. If He gives you instruction, you need to obey! One of the ways we can perpetuate worry is to pray, but not listen and obey and so we remain in bondage when we could be free!

Elusive contentment

2008-08-29T04:25:00.000-07:00

One of the things I think we often run up against no matter what is going on in our lives is the challenge to be content in whatever the circumstances may be. This 'contentment' can seem pretty slippery to try to obtain if you are on the outside looking in. There aren't these magical five steps to contentment that all good Christian women can follow to achieve happiness and wholeness.

And yet...God is not elusive with us. He's right there, even if He isn't answering our prayers in the timing we had sketched out or with the response we hoped for. I discovered this a lot throughout my post-college years. I got frustrated hearing people suggest that I 'just needed to be content.' Well, how exactly do I manage that? Er, the problem is that I can't 'manage' it. Contentment is often about letting things go and trusting God with them. I can't be in charge of my future. I have to work with what He's given me and give Him back what I've got, expecting that He can and does work with whatever I have to offer.

I thought I might never know what 'contentment' was like because it doesn't seem to fit my personality all that well. I'm restless inside. Fidgeting with ideas and concepts. Wanting to push beyond where I've already been and learn more, dig deeper. So, I thought contentment was for other people. More 'Christian' people.

Except that I did surprisingly find myself content one day. I was sure it wouldn't last long...but, I'm still pretty stable months later. Sure, I stress about things and many of the same kinds of things I have in the past. However, when I begin to worry (which sometimes leads to panic), I stop to remember who God is, what He's done, and how He's demonstrated His character in my life and that of others. I read scripture. I pray. I might journal about it or voice some of my concerns to a friend. My boyfriend is particularly good at listening and then saying something that will remind me of what is true. Somehow, I'm able to simmer down and lean into God a little more rather than spiraling out of control.

I don't want to make it sound easy or that it is something I did in my own strength or that I was somehow deserving of it. No, God stripped those things away before it came. I was well aware I couldn't achieve it on my own and that I wasn't worthy. Believe me, the devil isn't happy about it and he's been attacking me in the ways that he knows can bite and gnaw at that gift of contentment.

If contentment seems elusive to you, hang on. Keep seeking after God and reading His word. Find someone you can talk through your 'stuff' with who is wise and who can point you back to Christ in the midst of it. You might just be surprised like me one day and discover that contentment has crept into your life.

Testimony...the saga continues

2008-08-28T04:13:00.000-07:00

So, at this point, I'm working full-time and I'm in graduate school. It's exhausting. Each semester I had a mini-crisis about whether or not to press on. I felt guilty that I wasn't involved in ministry. I had tried to do youth min for my second semester, but I simply didn't have the kind of time and energy I really needed to do everything on my plate well.

I wasn't finding much time to see friends for those two years, and a lot changed for many of them. They moved, they married, they started or finished school. My family knew I still lived with them, but they didn't even see me much. I'd head off for work around 5:30 and get home at 9:30 or 10:30. I'd go into work on Saturdays to get more homework done and spend all day there.

Now you can see why I struggled to keep on keeping on. In the midst of this, I lamented that I wasn't studying theology because that was what I wanted for several years. God, in His love and faithfulness, provided anyway. When I was two semesters away from completion, He sat me down and explained that this whole process was about me being positioned to know Him, to have a relationship with Him, and to run hard after Him. I wouldn't have done that at seminary. I would have known plenty about Him, but I would have thought that was enough.

You see, at the beginning of my graduate program, I became more committed to daily Bible study than I had ever been. For the past three years now, I very rarely miss a day. It's been a joy to learn to love scripture, to understand portions of it better, and to begin applying it to everyday life. The more I come to know God, the more I trust Him and the more I want to live in a way that honors Him.

Testimony...priorities

2008-08-27T04:48:00.000-07:00

Before I continue to talk about graduate school, I'd like to interrupt myself and mention that the main thing I shared at our women's function was about how God changed my priorities on a number of things. School is a part of that, but there were other issues going on at the same time.

For one, I have lived with my family instead of living on my own or with roommates. This has been a unique opportunity to learn how to work together as a family, especially as a family of all adults now that my brother has emerged from teenagehood. Living with family can try my patience at times, but I do see value in it and can recognize that we are functioning better as a family because we've had to work at it.

I wasn't dating. I didn't come across many fellows I would want to date, but of those I did, they didn't share my interest... ;) It is such a delicate interplay of similiarities, differences, vision, conviction, attraction...It is really no wonder that there might not be a ton of people that would be a good match. I was (and am) of the mind that I didn't want to be the pursuer, that I didn't want to participate in functions with the sole purpose of trying to meet someone, and that I did want to be wise and thoughtful about getting to know men.

This period of singleness...or waiting instead of dating, was to my benefit. I gained a clearer picture of who God is and how to prioritize Him in my life. I made more effort to build and nurture friendships. I spent time reading and reflecting and searching out who I am and what sort of woman I desire to become. In this journey, somewhere along the way, I found satisfaction in the Lord and discovered that I was enough just as I am.

Testimony...next steps

2008-08-26T04:09:00.000-07:00

So, where I left off yesterday, I finished college on a high note. I'd soaked up so much during my final days at school and now I wondered what would become of me. I was enrolled to go to graduate school in Chicago for that fall, but I was having serious doubts about it. Still, what was I to do if grad school didn't work out? Get a job? In what? Bachelor's degrees in psychology and biblical studies don't help you earn a very good living...

I went to graduate school for my first day and listened to my professors push political agendas and lobbying. Nothing about it felt right and I sank inside. I knew I needed to withdraw from the program, but I did not have the slightest idea where to go from there.

I looked for work. I graduated around the time that the economy went sour, so I was definitely struggling. To my horror, I ended up going back to work retail full-time at the store I'd worked at during college. :( I was miserable, afraid, and depressed. After about three months of doing that, I decided I had to quit whether or not I had another job. It was a really difficult decision to make since I didn't know where I'd find work, but I was so discouraged working there that I needed to stop. I put in my two weeks notice with no leads and a few resumes out there.

Towards the end of the second week, I received a call for an interview and I had that interview early the following week and got the job. It was provision, but it was certainly not going to be easy.

I was a secretary and that was the very last sort of job I wanted to do. I went to college because I knew if I didn't, I'd end up a secretary and I wanted no part of that. Blah. Here I was, eating humble pie. By the time I gained a solid grasp on the responsibilities entrusted to me there, I was burnt out and I dreaded getting up every single day, literally. It was sad.

I learned a lot about my worth during this time, because I thought so lowly of myself based on the work I was doing. The Lord began to show me that my value was not limited to what I did for a living. He brought some truly outstanding people into my life, dear friends like I'd never had before. This was precious and wonderful. For the first time, I had friends that I could talk to about the things that mattered most to me and they understood and could resonate with what I was thinking and feeling. I read a lot about Christian living and started journaling. My prayers changed. They weren't so focused on getting what I wanted, but rather on becoming who the Lord made me to be and making the most of the opportunities He'd placed before me.

After a year and a half, I was offered another job in a different department. It was a relief because I knew I would feel more free to be myself there and that I wouldn't struggle so much with thinking I'm never caught up on my work. The environment was more friendly and inviting because the department didn't have some of the outside pressures that my other job had.

By this time, I had figured out that as much as I wanted to go to seminary, all of the signs pointed to NO. I was frustrated about it, but I knew that it was better to cooperate with God than fight Him. I applied to remote program for my master's in library science and was accepted, but I'd have to wait a year because the program was full. That year, I was encouraged and built up spiritually. I was able to work through some things I'd wrestled with for many years and I began to feel the tiniest bit of gladness and confidence.

I'd had plenty of fellowship opportunities with friends, and had a couple of friends who had really encouraged me to spend more time reading God's word. I was trying out some bible study curricula in the hopes of identifying something I could connect with. I came across Experiencing God during the summer I began graduate school. It was an excellent study and it challenged me to apply the things I was learning in my day-to-day life.

Testimony

2008-08-25T04:36:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I attempted to give a brief testimony at one of my church's women's functions. Whoa, it is truly a challenge to try to sort out what to share in a few minutes that captures what has taken place over such a long period of time!

I thought that over the next few days, I'll discuss some portions of my story with you, which will lead into discussion about how to work through worries/anxieties.

First things first: I have a Christian family, so I went to church and was exposed to Christian principles as a child. In junior high and high school, I regularly attended wednesday night activities for young people. I listened and I thought about the things that were shared, but I didn't seek a relationship with God. I prayed to Him, but I mainly prayed prayers that reflected a 'my will be done' attitude.

When I went to college (a small Christian school), I was surrounded by opportunities to learn more about God and what it meant to have a personal relationship with him. I was intrigued, but resistant. I didn't really want to change, even though I wasn't very happy and felt unsettled much of the time.

By sophomore year, I began to recognize that if I wanted to know God better, I needed to be willing to give up some of the things I focused on that opposed Him. I started to reflect on who I hung out with, how I acted, what I read and watched...what kind of person I was. Things started to change in me, outwardly and inwardly. I was making different decisions, yet I could not yet see the purpose behind it...

Second semester of my junior year, after various promptings of the Holy Spirit, I went to one of my Bible professors and asked about the possibility of adding a second major: Biblical studies. Within days, the rest of my time at college completely turned upside down. I was finally studying something that mattered to me, that connected with the way I think, and that challenged me to learn more. I wanted to know God better and I was interested in His word like I had never been before. The last year and a half at school went by quickly and for the most part, I deeply enjoyed it and was more engaged in what was happening around me. This proved later to be the much need spiritual foundation to sustain me for my post-college years...

Truth for today

2008-08-22T04:59:00.000-07:00

In the same way that some of us often need our caffeine boost to get us going in the morning, as Christians, we benefit from a spiritual boost, too.

Nichole Nordeman's Finally Free is one of the songs I like to listen to in the morning to remember where we stand in Christ because of the work He has finished on the cross.

Here are the lyrics: (Hope you enjoy...)

v.1
No chain is strong enough, no choice is wrong enough
No mountain high enough that He can't climb

No shadow dark enough, no night is black enough
No road is lost enough that He can't find

*chorus*
And if the Son has set us free, then we must be free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed...I'm finally free

v.2
No pain is deep enough, no heart could bleed enough
Nothing but Jesus' love can make a way

*chorus*

In the present season

2008-08-22T04:36:00.000-07:00

Taking a peek at the poll so far, it looks like anxieties/worries is topping the charts, so I'll definitely talk about this more in the days to come... :)

In the season I'm going through right now, some of the things I fret about are:

Wondering if the Bible study I hope to lead this fall will take off or fall flat
- I know in my head that God knows what He's doing and if this is one of His appointed tasks for me, He'll provide the ladies. Still, it's tough not to fear being let down if it doesn't work out or to think that if it doesn't happen then that's a sign I'm not cut out for women's ministry. I know I need to be patient and resilient, but it won't be easy!!

Prioritizing many responsibilities at work
- As I take on more of a supervisory/librarian role, I've got more things to run through in my mind each day. Some days it is overwhelming and sometimes I worry that it is a mistake for me to aim to accomplish so many different things, but it is stretching me and I know it's time for that.

Not knowing for sure what the future of my relationship with my boyfriend holds
- It is a challenge to press on and grow closer while also keeping in mind that I need to be willing to let go if at some point God wants us to. There is a real tension in being willing to risk getting to know each other better and having our lives overlapping more when I don't have certainty of the outcome. I simply have to choose to trust that God is right there with us and that He will lead us if we continue to seek Him. When I think about being open to letting God take my boyfriend away if that is His plan, I find myself tempted to back away so that if that happens it won't hurt as much.

Figuring out if and when I should write again
- Is it time? What is my objective? How can I build in structured time to get work accomplished? Where do I begin?

What does it mean right now for me to prepare for the future?
- What lessons can I take away from what is going on in my life at this time that can help me to handle the future with more grace, love, wisdom, and integrity? There are times that I really wish I knew what I was preparing for because I think somehow I could do a better job if I had the specifics. Even so, God in His wisdom and love for me has not revealed what work I'll be doing, where I'll live, or my family/marital status in the years to come. I must trust that He will be giving me the tools I need for whatever outcome is ahead and I need to obey with the things He's already told me to do.

Mansfield Park

2008-08-21T04:39:00.000-07:00

is one of those movies I like to watch when I want something familiar, which often happens when I'm sick or at least too distracted or tired to read a book instead.

I appreciate that Jane Austen develops endearing characters with strong convictions and yet real flaws or limitations. Fanny is the poor cousin who comes to live with her aunt and uncle of greater standing and their four children. Although she spends most of her childhood there, she knows she's an outsider. Her heart is pure, her countenance warm and friendly. She is honest, faithful, resilient, sacrificial, and thoughtful. Though respectful, she will take a stand for what is right, even when she stands alone. Her physical beauty is evident, but it is her spirit that captures the true essence of her beauty.

As I study her character and the things that happen to her along the way, I appreciate that she chooses kindness over bitterness, long-suffering over impatience, and genuineness over popularity. It isn't easy to have this kind of response when you are overlooked or even taken for granted as Fanny often was.

I am glad that even when the people we wish to impress don't notice or don't care, God sees, God knows, and God cares.

Poll talk

2008-08-21T04:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks to those who have been responding to my blog poll! My thought was that it could be an opportunity for me to be able to focus some future posts around issues that have relevance in your lives.

My church's sermon series is on Hebrews 12, examining how we can throw off the weight and sin that slows us down, fix our eyes on Jesus, and accept discipline from God as training that equips us for the tasks God has prepared for us. For some of us, it can be easy to identify what obstacles continually show up on our path, while others are trying to look for themes. We have to actively address each of these areas: distractions, sin, focusing on Christ, and receiving discipline graciously. These aren't things we can coast on for very long before we begin to lose ground.

So, over the next couple of weeks, watch for posts discussing some of the issues that hinder our walk with God.

Wishing I was somewhere else...

2008-08-21T04:12:00.000-07:00

If I could be somewhere else right now (aside from still sleeping in my bed), I would be overjoyed to be hanging out with latte in hand waiting in anticipation to get together with a bunch of friends who no longer live close enough to meet for coffee. Email and facebook help some and phone chats do, too, but there are a number of friends I cherish that I simply don't see anywhere near as often as I'd like! These are the kinds of people that you wish you could have all living in your community so you could meet regularly and at least for me, that one day off in the distance perhaps my little ones would grow up playing and carousing with my friends' older kids.

As it is, I have learned to treasure the precious time I do have with these dear ones I don't see much anymore. I would encourage you to let these kinds of people in your life know that they are loved, either in a kind word or some act of gratitude. Our culture lends itself to getting so wrapped up in busyness that it means a lot to pause long enough to do something or say something that acknowledges your care for people who have nurtured you and blessed you along your spiritual journey.

Blog poll

2008-08-18T04:57:00.000-07:00

If you are so inclined, please take my blog poll. I'd be interested to see the results...just to get an idea of what readers are working through in your day to day lives...

Blessings!

Good, better, best

2008-08-18T04:28:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that the more opportunities I see before me, vying for a piece of my time, the more I must learn to sort out what is good, better, and best. Sometimes this is fairly straight-forward, but other times it can be confusing to discern which things to say yes to when there are plenty of things that look good or better. There are seasons when we think it's time for something to happen in our lives and God seems to say no or wait. In those situations, I have often felt my judgment can get clouded because I'm so focused on the doors I think should be opening that simply aren't.

There are a number of things that I take some interest in and would like to have an awareness about without necessarily adding to my weekly responsibilities. I have yet to figure out what to do with those items. One of the things I frequently have to remind myself is that I can't be a part of everything I would like to do all at the same time. I have to pick a few things for this season and maybe I can do some other things in the next season.

On many occasions, as the possibilities keep piling up, I feel overwhelmed and become entirely unsure of how best to use the time and resources I've been given. While I know that prayer helps, I also know that sometimes we should wait and sometimes we should take some steps forward and through that God makes it clear which way to go.

For the fall, I think I'm trying to keep things fairly simple. I want to exercise and do my bible study daily. I'm hopeful to be leading a bible study in the fall (provided that there are women who sign up). I'll be part of my church's women's leadership team. I'm taking ballet. I'd like to figure out a more systematic way to approach prayer requests. It would be good to resume research on love for my writing project. Besides that, I'd like to keep some time open to maintain friendships and form some new ones.

Right on time

2008-08-15T04:30:00.000-07:00

As much as I have a history of getting frustrated with God about His timing, He really does know what He's doing and for that I'm so grateful. He is patient and resilient.

Sometimes for Bible study, I have a little joke with God, particularly on a rough day, where I'll say, so, what have you got for me today? (grin)...In a small way, I am testing Him a bit and saying, can you customize a response for me? Yesterday, my lesson was on trusting God in all circumstances. Yet again, it was a pointed reminder when I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged by my present circumstances.

Another way God often cares for me when things are tough is by providing several consecutive opportunities to reconnect with close friends. I now often tease God when I know I'm going to catch up with a few friends in a row...'So, what hardship is coming my way?' I ask.

I have dear friends who are working through a number of hardships these days. I encourage you to recount the ways that God has been faithful in your relationship over the last few years. How has He answered prayers? What delightful surprises have headed in your direction? How has He stuck with you through painful situations? Who has He brought into your life who has blessed you? Even if you are in a season of waiting, or think that the Lord has said 'no' to some things you've been asking for, as you consider what He has already done in your life, it can provide comfort to realize that He hasn't forgotten about you and that He's been doing things all along the way.

Remembering the truth

2008-08-14T07:00:00.001-07:00

In the midst of mounting doubts, this song came to mind:

He is able, more than able
to accomplish what concerns me today
He is able, more than able
to handle anything that comes my way
He is able, more than able
to do much more than I could ever dream
He is able, more than able
to make me what He wants me to be

What a pointed reminder that meets me right where I am.

Amazing Grace

2008-08-14T04:49:00.000-07:00

This week, I watched Amazing Grace, which provides a snapshot of what was happening in the life and mind of William Wilberforce in his persistent efforts to see slavery abolished. There is a companion book to the movie, which I'd actually read in the fall. I would highly recommend reading the book if you are at all inclined to do so. Although I enjoyed seeing portions of the book put on screen, reading the history helps connect the dots which are sometimes difficult to follow in the movie.

Further, the movie makes much of the influence of Wilberforce's wife, whereas the book focuses on the great change that took place in Wilberforce's heart and how his life was forever altered by God's impact on him. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the movie shows sort of a softer side (in my opinion) of what was going on and although it is endearing, I fear that to some extent, if that is all you see, you might very well miss the point. This was a spiritual battlefield that was strong and powerful, with a deep, insidious grip on Americans. I don't think that should be softened. It isn't palatable. It's bitter.

It's a good movie and well done, but if you want to know about slavery, you'll have to find some sources that tell that story, which is a very different angle than the one we get to see in Amazing Grace. I deeply admire Wilberforce. He faced spiritually and physically crushing adversity, but he persevered and God blessed him and worked through him mightily. The story of slavery itself goes far beyond the scope of what Amazing Grace covers and I think it is important that we know a piece of that story as well.

God gave us emotions

2008-08-14T04:42:00.000-07:00

but I don't often know what to do with them

It is amazing how quickly a few critical words can dampen my spirit, confuse me, and prompt me to call into question things that I thought were okay, or even good. I'm going through such a time right now and not really sure what to say about it. A friend said that I should pray and seek God's peace. Sound advice. The difficulty is that it means I have to wait in an uncomfortable place not knowing what I should do next or where I'm headed. At moments like these, I wish everything could stop until I get it worked out. Life goes on anyway, whether I'm acting like I'm a part of it or I've temporarily shut down.

More than just fine

2008-08-08T04:40:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that lately when people ask how I am, most of the time, I can say that I'm doing well. I can say it without reservation or hesitancy. I'm not saying it because it is the appropriate response. I actually mean it. I'm in a good place, even in the midst of plenty of unanswered questions.

Rainer Maria Rilke tells us to 'live the questions' rather than waiting to begin life until we know where we are headed. The first time I read that was a year or two after college and as much as I wanted to learn how to do that, I also felt frustrated by it. I want to have a clear picture of what I'm getting into when I make decisions. I didn't like the fact that I had no idea where I was going or what I was supposed to be doing.

Now, some of those questions I had then have been answered: I got a job, I began and finished my master's degree, I learned how to live peaceably with my family, I found a church and I want to be there, I've adjusted time and again to the fluctuation of friends moving in and out of my life, I trust God and believe Him even when things don't look so promising...

Still, many of the biggest questions remain: do I have a vocational calling? will something come of my desire to write? what is my place in the church, in ministry? will I have my own family one day?

So, I take a moment to read and reflect again on Rilke's comments...here they are:

Be patient toward all that is
unsolved in your heart...
try to love the questions
themselves like locked rooms
and like books that are
written in a very foreign
tongue.

Do not now seek the
answers, which cannot be
given you because you would
not be able to live them

And the point is, to live
everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps you will then
gradually, without noticing it,
live along some distant day
into the answer.

I do believe that God sometimes asks us to live the questions. To talk to Him about what is on our hearts and then submit to His leading, walking forward in faith, even as the questions remain unanswered. If there is anyone we can trust with our dreams, it's Him.

Lies women believe...about marriage

2008-08-07T04:28:00.000-07:00

I'm working through this chapter for the second time with the companion workbook. As I began rereading the chapter, this comment caught my attention:

'The Truth is that contentment is not found in having everything we think we want but in choosing to be satisfied with what God has already provided. The Truth is that those who insist on having their own way often end up with unnecessary heartache, while those who wait on the Lord always get His best.'

These thoughts were in reference to the lie women believe that they must have a husband to be happy.

Just yesterday, I was telling my officemate how glad I now am that I had an extended period of singleness with not a date in sight. It was for this very reason. I was pressed to learn contentment with God, to prioritize Him in my day to day life, to appreciate women friendships that I had, to value the closeness I have with my parents, and to feel whole without a man in my life to encourage me, affirm me, or help me through my struggles. I was not only able to stand up under some really painful circumstances, but I was also able to know my value in God's eyes, regardless of my station in life or my relationship status.

Now that I have a boyfriend, I can see how beneficial it is that I had so much time alone. It is easier for me to try to pursue life in a more balanced way and to understand that I can't look to him to meet all my needs or make me feel worthy. I don't expect my boyfriend to be everything to me, nor do I want him to be. God has so graciously allowed us to walk this stretch of our lives together. For that I'm thankful and amazed, but I know that part of the reason it is working is because my boyfriend is not my life. I'm seeking to follow after God and so is he. My focus is on the adventure that God has for each of us. I have to remember that he is ultimately God's man, not mine. We work together to pursue a common goal. We don't view one another as that end goal. I want to leave room for God to 'write the story.'

The dwarfs missed it altogether

2008-08-07T04:15:00.000-07:00

Here is the other scene from the Last Battle that I wanted to share with you:

'Aslan,' said Lucy through her tears, 'could you- will you- do something for these poor Dwarfs?'

'Dearest,' said Aslan, 'I will show you both what I can, and what I cannot do.' ...

Aslan raised his head and shook his mane. Instantly a glorious feast appeared on the Dwarfs' knees: pies and tongues and pigeons and trifles and ices, and each Dwarf had a goblet of good wine in his right hand. But it wasn't much use. They began eating and drinking greedily enough, but it was clear that they couldn't taste it properly. They thought they were eating and drinking only the sort of things you might find in a Stable...very soon every Dwarf began suspecting that every other Dwarf had found something nicer than he had, and they started grabbing and snatching, and went on to quarreling, till in a few minutes there was a free fight and all the good food was smeared on their faces and clothes or trodden under foot. But when at last they sat down to nurse their black eyes and their bleeding noses, they all said:

'Well, at any rate there's no Humbug here. We haven't let anyone take us in. The Dwarfs are for the Dwarfs.'

'You see,' said Aslan. 'They will not let us help them. They have chosen cunning instead of belief. Their prison is only in their own minds, yet they are in that prison; and so afraid of being taken in that they can not be taken out. But come, children. I have other work to do.'

I wonder how many people we pass by throughout our week who live by the philosophy of the Dwarfs. People who have been hurt or deceived a time or two and don't want to run the risk of that ever happening again, so their minds and hearts are completely closed. They do not see the blessings God gives and they are often convinced that everyone else is getting something better than they are. How miserable! Pray for softened hearts among these broken 'Dwarfs.' In their efforts to protect their pride, they miss the joy and beauty of the life that God intends for us.

Friend or Foe

2008-08-06T04:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I concluded my reading of the Last Battle, so now I have a couple of passages I'd like to mention here that really caught my attention. This one was particularly sobering.

'My sister Susan,' answered Peter shortly and gravely, 'is no longer a friend of Narnia.'

'Yes,' said Eustace, 'and whenever you've tried to get her to come and talk about Narnia or do anything about Narnia, she says, 'What wonderful memories you have! Fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children.'

'Oh Susan!' said Jill, 'she's interested in nothing now-a-days except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grown-up.'

'Grown-up, indeed,' said the Lady Polly. 'I wish she would grow up. She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she'll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one's life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can.'

Did anyone else feel the sting behind those words? If we aren't very careful about the way we carry ourselves as women, we can very easily be swept away by the Deceiver's plot to get us focused on the agenda of our world: to be a young adult woman, blond, tan, firm, perfectly sculpted and made up, popular, sexy, and then do whatever it takes to hold fast to that for as long as possible. Our value is wrapped up in a false and fleeting image that we could spend our whole lives chasing after to grasp ahold of. Ladies, I plead with you not to be held captive to these lies about the worth of a woman!

It's fine to dress pretty, eat healthy food, exercise, and make the most of what the good Lord gave you, but please keep these principles in mind:

We always need to spend more time, more energy, and more resources on our relationship with the Lord and the responsibilities He has entrusted to us than on our physical appearance.

Our physical body changes no matter what. The best thing we can do is wear those changes with grace, peace, and confidence in the Lord.

Younger women are watching how we dress, what we say, and what we do about our appearance.

There is a deeper satisfaction in marriage by effort invested in cultivating a Godly attitude towards your husband and children rather than focusing on looking or feeling good about your body. A Godly man is drawn further in love with you when you point him to Christ with your character, your heart, and your physical body.

It is difficult not to get sucked into the obsession of being sexually appealing if you fill your mind with television shows, magazines, movies, music, and other media that send a message that this should be your top priority as a woman. It's true, we are made to express our unique sexuality as women, but it doesn't honor God to worship our bodies above all else. Sexuality as all other facets of our humanity needs to be submitted to the Lord.

Precious women, the daily decisions we make reflect where our hearts are and who we are living for. Live in freedom...choose to live for Christ. He grants a rich beauty that far outweighs all of the treatments and efforts we attempt to preserve a physical body that will pass away.

Feeling down

2008-08-05T04:21:00.000-07:00

Today, I need the simple reminder that despite my circumstances, what I see and what I don't see, God is faithful.

Sara Groves has a variation on Great is Thy Faithfulness that comes to mind:

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful to me.

Setting priorities (revisited)

2008-08-04T09:09:00.000-07:00

I'm working on the companion workbook to Lies Women Believe and so I've come back to the question: how do you know if the things you are spending time on are the things that God has prioritized for your life?

Last night, I started jotting down prayer requests that were raised by the girls from camp and I began to feel overwhelmed about what my responsibility is in following up, whether that includes prayer, sending encouragement, or something else. One of the conflicts I often wrestle with is volume versus depth.

One method to address these things could be to set aside a day each week to pray and then send a card a week. The trouble is that we're talking about approximately twenty girls and so it would take almost five months to cycle through the cards. So, then I wonder if I should just pick a few so that I can try to keep up more intentionally. The next question is how do I pick? Does it matter? I'm not sure...

How can I effectively do something to follow up without overwhelming myself (as I'm prone to doing) or getting stuck and doing nothing (which I also find myself tempted to do)?

In situations like this, I struggle to understand what responsibility has been given to me by God and what I have taken on that is in addition to what He's asked of me.

A humble plea

2008-07-25T04:47:00.001-07:00

When I told a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago about how much I've struggled with worrying, he pointed me to this prayer by Thomas Merton which really spoke what was on my own heart:

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

As much as I value planning, trying to be wise and discerning, and wanting to have things done well, at some point I recognize I have to be willing to let those perceived needs go for the sake of the Lord and His purposes in my life. It will be messy. I will be confused at times. I will be pushed further than I'm comfortable with. But, God will be there and He will care for me.

Lord, bend this proud and stiff-necked I,
Help me to bow the head and die.
That it may no longer be I,
But Christ that liveth in me.
- Harold Vaughan

Next week, I'll be up at camp, so I won't be blogging again until August. See you then!

In over my head

2008-07-24T04:43:00.000-07:00

This week has been a constructive example of my temptation to believe that there is not enough time to do all the things I'm supposed to be doing. So, yesterday I found myself praying about the struggle I have with that lie and asking God to help me to just do the things He wants me to and not to go overboard as I am often prone to doing (which feeds the belief that I don't have time to get everything accomplished).

I'm a one woman operation this whole week at work, basically doing all of the steps of my department by myself except the very last one. The amount of work (and the type) tends to make me tired pretty quickly, so by tomorrow afternoon, I'll be so glad that when I return from camp, one of my assistants will be back to help!

As I waited for my breakfast this morning, I was reminded that I have much to be grateful for at my job. I usually compare it to what I wish it was and find it lacking. Today, God seemed to nudge me to remember where I've come from and that I don't have to work fast food or retail. That really is a privilege and not something for me to take lightly. I know so many people with bachelor's and master's degrees that end up working full-time at coffee shops and retail stores. It's so tough to do that day in and day out after going to school, dreaming big, and cultivating a desire for intellectual challenge and depth. There are a lot of blessings that come from working in a Christian environment even though I can tell you that it is also a real eye opener because people aren't perfect here, either. Everybody struggles with sin...Some of the most wonderful, inspiring Christians I have befriended have worked at my university, at least for a brief period of time. I treasure them and it definitely makes it worthwhile that I've been here (perhaps longer than was originally part of my plan).

I've been wrestling internally with the realities of being a girlfriend. There are many aspects of it that I'm reluctant to deal with, not because they are bad, but because they are hard and they are unknown to me. I don't like the idea of depending on someone else...trusting that they will be there no matter what. What if one day they aren't? I ask myself. Neither do I want to admit that there could be things I need to learn that will come from being in a relationship. My pride says, Can't I figure it out on my own? Emotions are a story in and of themselves. I've been so mistrustful of emotions where men are concerned that it's difficult to sort it all out. There are days (and weeks) when I tell myself I simply can't do 'this' and I want to go back to life before being a girlfriend because it was a life I knew how to live. Oddly, though, those are times when God seems to reveal to me quite particularly how well suited my boyfriend is to be my companion. He is not put off by my independence, my honesty, or the fact that I can be complicated much of the time. He is patient and kind towards me, time and again, and somehow he recognizes the fruit of all the intricacies in me that I have long feared would be reasons a man would turn me away. Instead, he seems to find them beautiful.

Camp message

2008-07-23T04:38:00.000-07:00

Next week, Senior High Camp will be focusing on some of the principles mentioned in Alex & Brett Harris' Do Hard Things.

They discuss five kinds of hard:

Moving outside your comfort zone
Working beyond what is expected or required
Contributing to something bigger than what you can accomplish alone
Doing the small things that no one recognizes
Standing up and speaking out for what's right

The one I've probably spent the most time on over the last few years has been doing small things. So much of what I do at work and how I help my family at home involves repetitive tasks that aren't too exciting, don't make me feel accomplished, and will have to be done all over again tomorrow or next week. There is little (and sometimes no) apparent gratification for many of the duties of hum-drum, day in, day out life. However, over time, I have definitely seen how God can use these things to bless others and grow my character. And, thankfully, there are at least a few menial tasks that have a more immediate sense of value (i.e. caring for our family pets...hearing happy murmurs after a well cooked meal...seeing the visible difference after something has been cleaned and organized, etc.)

When Shasta met Aslan

2008-07-22T04:12:00.000-07:00

At the point at which Shasta felt most downcast and vulnerable, he was greeted by a large voice who explained to him why some of the circumstances that surrounded his journey had happened.

"I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

What a wonderful depiction of our Lord because He is watching, caring for us, and intervening on our behalf in ways that we don't (and can't) understand at the time. There are moments we accuse Him of being absent, and those when we grow weary or paralyzed with fear, and even some that we wish for most of our lives had never come to pass. For Shasta, He didn't want a cruel caretaker, but that was God's provision and protection for a season. At the proper time, Bree (the Horse) came along and Shasta headed north for Narnia and he was ultimately led home to his real father and brother. Do you have any times like that? A long painful season that doesn't seem to fit who you are made to be, a situation in which you chafe under for months or years, wondering where God could possibly be? The answer is both a comfort and a disturbance to discover that He is right there. It troubles us to find Him present, but not necessarily getting us out of the mess we find ourselves in. Still, in His wisdom and lovingkindness, He knows best what you are to endure, what will shape you, and how He intends to grow you for the work He has set out for you to do.

Preparing for camp

2008-07-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

This week, I'd like to finish reading Do Hard Things and consider some good discussion questions for our campers. I need to pick up a few things for our activities (projects and snacks) and I'm going to put some of the Bible verses we'll be discussing on scrapbook paper to decorate our cabin. This part helps me look forward to camp because I finally feel like it's approaching now that it's time to begin doing things.

On a side note, I hope it isn't terribly buggy up there. I got some awfully large and itchy mosquito bites this weekend and they are so distracting! I guess I should buy a tube of anti-itch cream to take up there so that I don't drive me (and everyone around me) crazy with my incessant itching! It would be a good idea for me to start thinking about laundry, travel items to buy, and packing now so that I'm not scrambling so much on the day before trying to go to the store and fit in several loads of laundry...last time I housesat I realized I waited until too late to think about that stuff...

Today's answered prayer

2008-07-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

Since the spring, I've been thinking and praying about the possibility of asking my church's women's leadership team about leading a women's bible study for the fall. I've been considering the bible studies I've done on my own, trying to figure out which would be a good fit. As I began working through Lies Women Believe, I felt that nudge again about leading a bible study. So, I keep praying, but I wasn't sure about approaching the leadership.

Today, I received an email from one of the ladies in the leadership team inviting me to ...you guessed it...lead a bible study in the fall.

One of the areas I'm most enthusiastic about at my church has to do with its vision for "Christian minds in the making."

I'll keep you updated as more details unfold...

I read a timely quote today from Corrie ten Boom: "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

I really (really) needed to hear that.

So much of the future seems up in the air to me and most of the things I ache to see happen in my life are far from my reach. I wonder if I'm just foolish to keep dreaming and hoping. I sometimes believe I'll never amount to anything and that those heart-felt desires are pointless and painful. I don't want to talk to God about them because I don't want to fail and I don't want to feel. The areas this presses me the most are:

at present:
writing: I'd like to write practical theology books for women

career: spending time doing something that i'm actually thrilled to do instead of just working diligently to get things done and earn an income

boyfriend: i can't express how much and how often it terrifies me to attempt this relationship. what am i doing? we think things through and talk about them, but there is still a lot of unknown. i don't like living in the unknown. it was simple to be single and know where i stood, even if it got lonely. now, i have someone else to work with. it is a great comfort and support. it is fun. it is unpredictable at times. it is real even though there are moments i think it can't be real to experience that kind of gladness.

for the future:
children: I'd like to have some, but I'm terrified of the responsibility and the uncertainty

marriage: again, would like it, but don't want to admit it too much because it would hurt more and what if i'm supposed to be single permanently or what if i get married and it's hard and i stumble and fall

missions: i've thought about it for a long time, but there are some very personal and difficult obstacles and hurdles i would face to try to move forward on this...

Stewardship and surrender

2008-07-16T04:36:00.000-07:00

I'm presently working my way through DeMoss's chapter on Lies women believe about children. It has resurrected a question I've wondered about a lot over the last few years. One to which I think God allows room for Christian couples to handle things differently from one another and still reflect His glory.

I was raised with the perspective that I should only have as many children as I can afford to provide (college) for. Yikes, in today's economy, I wonder if that means any...especially if I also tried primarily to stay at home with my children.

I see the wisdom in my parents' thoughts on this and yet when I think about families that I know who have chosen to leave more room for God to bless them with several children, I respect that. They are going out on a limb and trusting for God's provision. They'll be willing to try unconventional things to make it work. The kids often learn to work together so well. There can be a lot of love, fellowship, and grace in these families.

To what extent are we called to be good stewards of our resources (as my parents would say) and then at what point are we willing to surrender our agenda to the Lord (how many children do you want in our home, Lord?)

Well, I haven't figured it out...in part because I'm sure some of that decision-making would happen once I was married...and I don't know for sure that God has that in store for me. I do suspect that if I get married, my ideas about having children will be more flexible now than they used to be. It actually sounds kind of fun to have four or five dear ones, even though I know that would be an enormous stretch for me. Really. I'd have to relinquish much of my desire to keep things under my control, neat, tidy, and fairly structured. I have often lamented not having a large close-knit family and thought it would be nice (and challenging) to have one of my own.

Time crunch myth?

2008-07-15T04:26:00.000-07:00

In Lies Women Believe, Nancy Leigh DeMoss says that one of the lies women believe about priorities is that "there isn't enough time to do everything we're supposed to do."

To that, I say, "wha? that's a lie? man, it sure seems to be true in my life...no matter what kind of schedule i'm up to...i'm always trying to pack in more..." ;)

Joking aside, this is a really deeply embedded lie for me. So much that I find that Nancy's admonishment to acknowledge that the Lord does provide the time to do what He has appointed for us to do rubs me the wrong way. I still think, 'yeah, in theory, but not in practice...'

Even as a single woman, you might think I've got all this time to kill, but I consistently have more I'd like to accomplish than I can. I'm often aware of several things I'm not doing as a result of the things I've committed to doing. It is a real tension for me. I can't be superwoman, but I sure feel like I SHOULD be.

I started listing out the things I regularly spend time on and thought, where can I cut back to make room for other things? Hm, it is a balancing act.

However, my dilemmas aside, DeMoss is right when she indicates that we need to frequently go to God and ask Him what He has given us to do and what He wants our priorities to be. Oftentimes, we add to that list over time and then wonder why we are feeling so tired. Perhaps, (gulp) we are doing something God didn't give us to do.

Bursting my bubble

2008-07-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't been in the best mood recently because I've really allowed fear and doubt to come in and snatch away joy and peace.

However, two things happened this morning that have been an encouragement to me and a reminder that God sees me, He hears me, and that He is working even when I can't see it.

One: I'm working on compiling a binder for our Florida librarian and it's coming together quite well. I even thought to have our director write a brief welcome and introductory note so it seems a bit more formal. In the process of working on this, it dawned on me: 1) that God has uniquely positioned me to have the forethought to collect this information as a 'care package' of sorts for our new librarian and 2) that it was due to painful, confusing, difficult, and discouraging times that I learned the value of offering someone a training manual. Years ago at my first full-time job, the previous employee in my role had left, the time-sensitive work was piling up, and I wasn't able to get sufficiently trained. I learned many things by missing deadlines I didn't know about and doing things the wrong way. Any help and hope I can extend to new staff, I try to offer because I know how it feels to be floundering.

Two: We have a graduate intern here and as I thought about the kinds of things she might be assisting our librarians with, it burst my bubble about thinking that I really missed out since I didn't do an internship. I sometimes doubt my abilities or my future and cite that as one of the reasons I might not be as qualified or capable. While it's true that I don't have much reference experience, an internship probably would not have been a life-changer. It's okay and even healthy to let that thought go and trust that God has provided me with all the experience and opportunities I need to do what He has entrusted me to do today.

Whew! Well, that is a relief...I haven't missed out and God will take care of all of the things I'm fretting about now if I am willing to keep seeking Him and submitting to Him.

Sunrise/ Song dedication

2008-07-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

A new song for me to ponder...Sunrise by Nichole Nordeman.

You can listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5NVPcI0tLo

I dedicate it to my mom because I know even in part the dark nights she's traveled through, but I can see God's sunlight shining through her anyway.

Too much on my mind!

2008-07-14T04:36:00.000-07:00

This weekend simply didn't seem long enough to accomplish everything I'd hoped to work on. I guess that leaves more things to do for the days and weeks ahead...

I went to the Ravinia Feist concert on Friday and it was a very good time for all of us!

Saturday, I did chores, flipped through Rachael Ray magazines to tear out recipes, worked on my bible study, read a chapter in Love: A Brief History of Western Christianity, nearly finished Silver Chair, and spent a little time with my boyfriend.

I had intended to get more done on Saturday, so Sunday I felt I had some catching up to do. I went with my mom to buy a rather large binder, some dividers, and page protectors for the extensive cookbook I'm compiling that will include all the recipes I've gathered from magazines over the last year or two. It looks like I'll have about five hundred recipes. That seems a little overwhelming... I also worked on my bible study, practiced for ballet, and went to a meeting in preparation for senior high camp.

There is more that I'd like to be doing than I seem to have time to keep up with, but it seems difficult to actually set up a schedule for my reading and writing projects because I often see friends sporadically and spur of the moment. I don't want to get too rigid about my own expectations about what I should get done each week, knowing that making time for friends and family is really important, even if that means I get less of the 'stuff' tackled than I want to cover. Still, I know that if my schedule gets shaken up too much, I can find myself so distracted that I stop working on the miscellaneous projects altogether. Ahh, it is a balancing act that is constantly changing.

What's going on in my world...

2008-07-11T04:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I'm going to a Feist concert at Ravinia with my brother, my boyfriend, and some of my brother's buddies. I'm really glad we have pavilion tix just in case the rain doesn't quit... ;)

I ordered some new ballet tights and leotards which should be in this weekend. Hooray! My summer class will be over in two weeks. Fall semester won't begin until Sept. so I've got plenty of practicing to do.

At work, I'm organizing some training materials for our Florida librarian, who is coming up next week to learn about our integrated library system. I'm also compiling a cataloging curriculum for teaching my assistant about cataloging books.

In free time, I'm plowing through the Chronicles of Narnia...(most of the way through the Silver Chair), reading Lies Women Believe (and bought the companion study to do), and gleaning thoughts on love from various books I've checked out or purchased. Learning a lot...but haven't written anything down yet.

Comfortable in my own skin

2008-07-10T04:25:00.000-07:00

As I was reflecting on some of the changes that I've experienced in my character over the last few years, I remembered that much of the anxiety I felt as a child and during my teenage years had to do with believing that I needed to meet or exceed everyone's expectations of me. "Being enough" was a moving target, depending on who I was around, what they wanted me to be, and whether or not I was the slightest bit competent in those areas. It troubled me so much that I didn't enjoy much of the group interaction I experienced because I was so concerned about my performance. I wanted to convey the notion that I had it together, whatever that means, that I was self-sufficient, and that I was and would be successful in life.

I have found, to my surprise, that it is far more freeing to present yourself before God and ask Him what He would like for you to do and be than to be constantly trying to keep up with human expectations. God is unchanging, He is gracious, and He is willing to be patient and help us. He won't have any hidden agendas. He is True. As I have spent more time learning Him and wanting to please Him, I have become more at ease with others even when I know I'm not going to be all that they'd hope for.

True beauty

2008-07-09T04:39:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about the challenges women face about beauty and image a few days ago. I shared a bit of that with my boyfriend and although it is helpful to talk about it (dispels some of the lies that we ruminate over in our heads as women), it certainly isn't the same as explaining what goes on inside to another woman. Oddly enough, my boyfriend hasn't had this lifelong desire to be a beautiful princess... ;) He can't really grasp the hold that it has had on me or the temptations and longings that accompany it. However, it is a useful exercise because it forces me to think more about all of the things that are intertwined in that ache to be visually striking.

We judge beauty by our own standards, or by someone's standards who we want to live up to, or by the media's standards. None of these are on the mark. God's standard of beauty for women has more to do with her heart. That she will grow to have a quiet and gentle spirit. That she will reflect Christ in all that she does, bearing the fruit of the Spirit in all kinds of circumstances.

Sara Groves' song 'Add to the Beauty' demonstrates some of the concept of being a woman who, by her life, contributes to something beautiful that God is already doing in the world:

Add To The Beauty
We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work

It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out our best

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

Remember the signs

2008-07-09T04:27:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of Jill and Eustace's journey to find the lost Prince, Jill meets Aslan and he tells her four signs which will help them along the way. It is her job to recite the signs and keep track of them in order. Aslan warns her that once she leaves his side, the air will be thick, it will be tough to remember the signs, and she will get confused.

I appreciated this scene for how accurately it portrays what happens in our time with the Lord. When we are alone with him and removed from distractions, it's amazing. We can hear Him, we believe Him, and we are eager to follow. However, then trouble comes right along once we move back into our families, our workplaces, our everyday life as we know it and attempt to remember and follow the signs. We get so distracted by things that appeal to us. We find ourselves lost at times. We wrestle with the age old doubts like "Did God really say?" and "Is He really good?" We jumbled the order of the signs or we grow weary or prideful about our need to repeat them regularly. Is it any wonder that we sin?

In the midst of all of this that seems chaotic, God is still sovereign. He's watching. He cares. He wants to be our guide. He is patient with us. He forgives and restores. Thank you, God, for a steadfast character and a tender heart.

Finney on love...

2008-07-08T04:40:00.000-07:00

Humility (as an attribute of love) "is a willingness to be known and appreciated according to our real character...Considered as a virtue, humility is the consent of the will to be known, to confess, and to take its proper place in the scale of being...Humility is a modest and unassuming state of mind."

How often would we like others to think, as John Mayer puts it, that we are 'bigger than our bodies give us credit for?' This would be the opposite sort of sentiment than humility. We are tempted to prove our worth, even to the point of exaggerating.

Thankfully, God loves us simply as we are. The closer we get to Him, the greater the likelihood that we will in turn learn to extend to others the love that lets them know it's okay for them to be themselves.

I find this challenging in my own life since I like to think I'm self-sufficient. I don't prefer to open myself up to being known for my real, frail, broken self. However, time and again I have seen that it is in the 'real' moments that I seem to be able to offer true friendship and care.